It's coming...

June is coming. I wish I could just skip right over into July. I should be hugely pregnant right now, and having an ultrasound once a week to check on my beautiful babies.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, but I don't want to plan anything for June 17 - I hardly want to plan anything for the entire week surrounding June 17. Naturally, we are making plans for June - and every time I turn the calendar over to June, I see June 17 glaring me in the eye, with the huge words DUE DATE! bouncing out of the box. Who would have ever guessed that day, which was supposed to be such a happy milestone, would tear me up. I spent nearly 6 months looking forward to that day, and now I would rather skip over it. And I can't bring myself to scratch those heartbreaking words out; I don't think it would help either.

I catch myself wondering if people around me realize that this day is coming up. I imagine people assume that February 17 is the only date that really matters, as that was the day we lost the twins.. I wonder if they remember that June 17 was my due date. I know that I can't be upset with people if they don't remember that, and I do know that the people who are closest to me will remember.

4 months ago, if you would have asked me where I would be today, my answer would have been alot different than what has become reality. Derek and I were supposed to have moved into our new house (after extensive renovations) by now - a nursery would have been all set up, with TWO of everything. I would have still been guessing whether I was carrying boys, girls, or one of each. And I bet I would have been starting to get really nervous right now about motherhood.

I've been visiting a lot with a couple of friends who have fairly new-born babies, and my oh my is it busy. I imagine how frazzled I would have been with twins! Some people have actually said, well on the bright side, twins would have been pretty crazy... now you won't be so hectic. Let me assure you - there is nothing bright about this. I was thrilled to be blessed with twins. Yes, it would have been busy, and maybe I was being a bit naive about just how busy it would have been.. but I was excited. There is nothing relieving about the fact that now I probably won't have twins; in fact, healthwise, I am supposed to hope for a singleton pregnancy now.

I don't understand it. Some days I still question God - why would He bless us with twins (we had NO sense of fear about raising twins like a lot of people probably would), and make us feel like he was trusting us to raise twins, and then allow them to be taken away? I may be repeating myself here, but I just can't wrap my mind (or, my heart?) around all of this. I know God promises good things for us, but I catch myself doubting that He is going to anytime soon. I catch myself thinking, why would God allow me to become pregnant right away? or, why would God bless us with a house right now? I feel like the hardships are only going to continue.

I keep thinking of Job & how much hardship God allowed for him. He lost everything; from his possessions to his entire family. The loss of Michael & Gabriel for us is miniscule compared to what Job lost. And I know, Job hit rock bottom, and then God raised him up & blessed him a thousand times over; (I just opened my Bible to read a bit of Job... wow... I'll save my thoughts for another post).

I guess I'm just afraid of any more pain. I don't want to be a witness because of my pain anymore. I want good things now. I realize that's pretty childish - and it's not for me to decide, nor should I want to make these choices about my life - because we are called to trust in what God has in store. It's just so hard, when it feels like people are being blessed all around me, with the things I long for.

D.


"... Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10