It's coming...

June is coming. I wish I could just skip right over into July. I should be hugely pregnant right now, and having an ultrasound once a week to check on my beautiful babies.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, but I don't want to plan anything for June 17 - I hardly want to plan anything for the entire week surrounding June 17. Naturally, we are making plans for June - and every time I turn the calendar over to June, I see June 17 glaring me in the eye, with the huge words DUE DATE! bouncing out of the box. Who would have ever guessed that day, which was supposed to be such a happy milestone, would tear me up. I spent nearly 6 months looking forward to that day, and now I would rather skip over it. And I can't bring myself to scratch those heartbreaking words out; I don't think it would help either.

I catch myself wondering if people around me realize that this day is coming up. I imagine people assume that February 17 is the only date that really matters, as that was the day we lost the twins.. I wonder if they remember that June 17 was my due date. I know that I can't be upset with people if they don't remember that, and I do know that the people who are closest to me will remember.

4 months ago, if you would have asked me where I would be today, my answer would have been alot different than what has become reality. Derek and I were supposed to have moved into our new house (after extensive renovations) by now - a nursery would have been all set up, with TWO of everything. I would have still been guessing whether I was carrying boys, girls, or one of each. And I bet I would have been starting to get really nervous right now about motherhood.

I've been visiting a lot with a couple of friends who have fairly new-born babies, and my oh my is it busy. I imagine how frazzled I would have been with twins! Some people have actually said, well on the bright side, twins would have been pretty crazy... now you won't be so hectic. Let me assure you - there is nothing bright about this. I was thrilled to be blessed with twins. Yes, it would have been busy, and maybe I was being a bit naive about just how busy it would have been.. but I was excited. There is nothing relieving about the fact that now I probably won't have twins; in fact, healthwise, I am supposed to hope for a singleton pregnancy now.

I don't understand it. Some days I still question God - why would He bless us with twins (we had NO sense of fear about raising twins like a lot of people probably would), and make us feel like he was trusting us to raise twins, and then allow them to be taken away? I may be repeating myself here, but I just can't wrap my mind (or, my heart?) around all of this. I know God promises good things for us, but I catch myself doubting that He is going to anytime soon. I catch myself thinking, why would God allow me to become pregnant right away? or, why would God bless us with a house right now? I feel like the hardships are only going to continue.

I keep thinking of Job & how much hardship God allowed for him. He lost everything; from his possessions to his entire family. The loss of Michael & Gabriel for us is miniscule compared to what Job lost. And I know, Job hit rock bottom, and then God raised him up & blessed him a thousand times over; (I just opened my Bible to read a bit of Job... wow... I'll save my thoughts for another post).

I guess I'm just afraid of any more pain. I don't want to be a witness because of my pain anymore. I want good things now. I realize that's pretty childish - and it's not for me to decide, nor should I want to make these choices about my life - because we are called to trust in what God has in store. It's just so hard, when it feels like people are being blessed all around me, with the things I long for.

D.


"... Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10

The Big Stuff.

Today was painful - for no reason at all. There is just so much on my mind, and I feel like it's all negative - so be prepared for a rant...

My day started with a huge mess made by my cats - they knocked over the plant that my mother-in-law bought me for Mother's Day. Dirt everywhere. Normally I can just shrug these little accidents off, but today it just made me mad. Guess I woke up feeling sensitive already.

There are these days, where I continuously think of reasons why life is unfair. Don't get me wrong. I realize I am blessed in many ways - I just want the big stuff.

I want a house - but on days like today I really feel like that isn't going to happen. How are we ever going to save enough money for a down-payment? Let me tell you, housing is not cheap here. We can pretty easily afford the payments themselves, but to get there, we need a down-payment.. and that feels impossible. I know a house is definitely not what makes a person happy in the long run, but it would sure be nice. I keep telling myself that it will happen when God says it's right, but why isn't it right now? We are currently living in the basement of Derek's Mom and Dad - and we are ever grateful for that, because we have a great opportunity to save a lot of money (well, put a lot of money towards debts). For some reason though, we're starting to feel anxious to have a place of our own. So what do we do? Rent? And pay an outstanding amount to do so? The sensible answer seems to be to just stick it out here, but what if 6 months go by and we still can't be approved for a mortgage?

I want children. I want my pregnancy back. I had a wonderful pregnancy, and I was so relaxed the entire time - I had no fear that anything was going to go wrong. My next pregnancy is sure to be more stressful & worrisome. I know that I should just turn it over to God & trust that my next pregnancy will result in a baby that we actually get to take home; I'm afraid it's not going to be quite that easy though; I will have to make a point every single day (every hour of every day) not to worry; just to pray.

I want some tangible hope. I know that God has good things in store. I just wish he would give us a glimpse of what is to come. Something great, to take my mind off of this grief. I also know that God doesn't owe us anything! He has given us more than we deserve... it's just hard to allow that to be enough. God wants happiness for us here on Earth right?

I am struggling these days to relax a bit about getting pregnant again. It's been said that the best way to conceive, is just to relax about it. But I'm not sure how that is possible. Since losing Michael & Gabriel, my desire to become a Mother again has become desperate. Like I said, I want children. I see pregnant women all over the place, and I get a small sinking feeling in my gut. I wonder if they appreciate that child growing inside of them? I wonder if it was planned? It's moved beyond jealousy, for which I am grateful, and has become a simple reminder of what I so desperately long for. I wonder if someday, I'll look back at these months in between the twins and my next pregnancy, and they'll seem short. They feel like an eternity so far.

D.

"For I know the plans I have for you ... to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Holding on to those words with everything I have left.

A Visit to the Cemetery

We've been having some pretty fantastic weather again, so one afternoon this last week I decided to make a trip to the cemetery to visit Michael & Gabriel's gravesite & bring them some flowers.

A thought occurred to me when I was on my way there. I thought it was a nice afternoon to go visit the gravesite. But really, is there such a thing as a nice time to visit the place where my sweet babies are buried? Negative of me, I know; and to be honest, I had a really good "visit" with them while I was there. I brought a blanket, so I could sit for a while, and my journal so I could write to them. And looking back, it was cleansing in a way, to go there on my own, and just take some time to really think about them - and only them. Sometimes it's difficult to go there with someone else (even Derek), because I just don't know what to do, or say. This way, I could just sit in silence & cry if I needed to; it was good to let my emotions do what they needed to do.

Here's a photo of their gravesite, where I spent half an hour or so, just remembering them, and writing to them:

Derek and I made the cross, for something temporary, until we can get a headstone made for them. Here's another photo of their tiny grave:

For some reason, I was surprised to see that grass is starting to grow over the dirt on their grave - a part of me doesn't want that to happen quite yet. It's almost like, once that dirt is gone, it isn't fresh anymore. But it still feels fresh to me some days.

Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you.

D.

Our New Addition

Some friends of ours were getting rid of their cat ... and you know me ...

Meet Tubby!

How to help your grieving friend

Here I am, perusing blogs again. Maybe I'm cheating here, but I just feel so inspired when I read other grieving mothers' blogs. Here's a woman that makes some fantastic points about grieving mothers - and the things that we so appreciate. I especially like the "she can't grieve on command" post.

Check her out:
http://mollypiper.com/

(How to help your grieving friend is in the column along the right)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone. And it was every bit as hard as I thought it would be. (I guess the fact that I was anticipating it made it a little easier?)

Thankfully, I got lots and lots of Mother's Day hugs & wishes from so many people at church - I was relieved that people acknowledged that it was a difficult day for me - and most of all, that they acknowledged that I am in fact, a mother.

My wonderful midwife Kathleen was one of the ladies that spoke on Sunday - three mothers were asked to speak a bit about being a mom - the moment she stepped up there, we met eyes, and that was it for me. It was like she kept glancing at me as if to say 'I hope this is OK'. She did mention me in her "Things I've learned", and I was actually really grateful for that.

Anyways, we went about our day, but I just felt foggy all day. I wasn't happy, and I didn't want to be. It's so strange how I can approach a day feeling just fine (all the while, knowing that certain day is probably going to be pretty tough), and then that day comes, and my emotions just change completely & I'm a huge mess. Luckily I have a lot of people around me who understand & allow me to let those emotions out.

D.

Spirit Led

In Sunday School this past weekend, our Pastor said something that will stick with me forever. We are participating in the Youth Sunday School class - usually Derek teaches, but the Pastor is taking over for a few weeks.

We were talking about relationships - primarily, our relationships with God; but somehow, the conversation turned to our relationships with others - in particular, our relationships with the opposite sex. That got me remembering what it was like to be a teen, and how focused I was on finding a "boyfriend". I remember spending many many nights with girlfriends talking about marriage, and how very excited we were for that day! Suddenly 10 years has gone by (well, since I was 15 and starting to talk alot about this stuff), and I'm happily married, and have been through one of the hardest things I hope I'll ever have to go through. What a whirlwind!

Anyhow, on top of talking about relationships, we were talking about the Spirit - and what the Spirit means to us. The pastor turns to Derek and I, and says "In my humble opinion, Derek and Darcie's relationship was Spirit led."
Wow. My heart welled.

I mean, I've always believed that God did bring Derek and I together. In fact, when we first "met" (or, were chatting on the net!!), I remember saying on several occasions - The only way this is ever going to happen, is if God makes it happen. We were three thousand kilometers apart!

One of the amazing things about all of this is - God knew what we were going to go through together. He put us together to battle this storm together - and He knew that we would make it through - and become stronger because of it!

Now, please don't get me wrong here - I am certainly not claiming that our relationship is a breeze. I am just recognizing that our relationship is what it is because God allowed it to exist! It's a freeing thought that we are so not in control.

D.

Am I Enough?

I was spending a bit of time reading blogs this morning (as I often do), and I came across one of a woman who lost twin girls at 24 weeks gestation. This woman seems to have great Faith, and I found it so inspiring to read a bit of her grief journey this morning.

One of her posts mentioned a question that rang through her head through much of her difficult journey, a question from God:

If I say NO forever, am I enough for you?

That is a scary question. One of my greatest fears, is that the next time around, when I do eventually become pregnant again, God is going to say NO again. And would He be enough? This grief is the most difficult grief I can imagine - I can NOT imagine going through this for a second time. The naive side of me thinks, "He would never take another child from me - He knows I couldn't handle that" - but that's what I would have said about Michael & Gabriel too when I was pregnant with them.

This is when Faith & Trust come in. He only presents us with what He will take us through, right?

I'm realizing today that I haven't spent much time in prayer. I haven't spent much time praying for anything other than myself, my husband, and my babies. I'm finding it difficult to consider anything else as much in need of prayer as us; and I feel guilty for that quite often.

Aside from simply praying for anyone or anything else, I think I need to get working on my relationship with God again. I need to realize that yes, He is mourning the loss of our sons too - and that He is with us in this grief, and wants to be a comfort to us in this grief. I suppose I realize all of this, but I don't understand it. Because why would God take our sons from us when He knows how badly it hurts? He is the one in control of all things, so why didn't he let us keep our sons? I know, that's a question that will always be with me, and I may never have an answer to that.

This is when Faith & Trust come in.

(I apologize, this feels like it was a scatter-brained post)