The Big Stuff.

Today was painful - for no reason at all. There is just so much on my mind, and I feel like it's all negative - so be prepared for a rant...

My day started with a huge mess made by my cats - they knocked over the plant that my mother-in-law bought me for Mother's Day. Dirt everywhere. Normally I can just shrug these little accidents off, but today it just made me mad. Guess I woke up feeling sensitive already.

There are these days, where I continuously think of reasons why life is unfair. Don't get me wrong. I realize I am blessed in many ways - I just want the big stuff.

I want a house - but on days like today I really feel like that isn't going to happen. How are we ever going to save enough money for a down-payment? Let me tell you, housing is not cheap here. We can pretty easily afford the payments themselves, but to get there, we need a down-payment.. and that feels impossible. I know a house is definitely not what makes a person happy in the long run, but it would sure be nice. I keep telling myself that it will happen when God says it's right, but why isn't it right now? We are currently living in the basement of Derek's Mom and Dad - and we are ever grateful for that, because we have a great opportunity to save a lot of money (well, put a lot of money towards debts). For some reason though, we're starting to feel anxious to have a place of our own. So what do we do? Rent? And pay an outstanding amount to do so? The sensible answer seems to be to just stick it out here, but what if 6 months go by and we still can't be approved for a mortgage?

I want children. I want my pregnancy back. I had a wonderful pregnancy, and I was so relaxed the entire time - I had no fear that anything was going to go wrong. My next pregnancy is sure to be more stressful & worrisome. I know that I should just turn it over to God & trust that my next pregnancy will result in a baby that we actually get to take home; I'm afraid it's not going to be quite that easy though; I will have to make a point every single day (every hour of every day) not to worry; just to pray.

I want some tangible hope. I know that God has good things in store. I just wish he would give us a glimpse of what is to come. Something great, to take my mind off of this grief. I also know that God doesn't owe us anything! He has given us more than we deserve... it's just hard to allow that to be enough. God wants happiness for us here on Earth right?

I am struggling these days to relax a bit about getting pregnant again. It's been said that the best way to conceive, is just to relax about it. But I'm not sure how that is possible. Since losing Michael & Gabriel, my desire to become a Mother again has become desperate. Like I said, I want children. I see pregnant women all over the place, and I get a small sinking feeling in my gut. I wonder if they appreciate that child growing inside of them? I wonder if it was planned? It's moved beyond jealousy, for which I am grateful, and has become a simple reminder of what I so desperately long for. I wonder if someday, I'll look back at these months in between the twins and my next pregnancy, and they'll seem short. They feel like an eternity so far.

D.

"For I know the plans I have for you ... to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Holding on to those words with everything I have left.