Honesty... Motherhood.

It's interesting how my grief brought out a very raw, honest side of me.  I wrote exactly what I was feeling, and it helped.  A lot.  This blog was a very necessary tool in my grieving process; it was therapeutic to get it all out there, and to feel the support from all of you who read it & thanked me for my honesty. 

I'm going to be honest again today.

The loss of our twins still affects me, every day.  In a way that I definitely did not expect.  I expected that losing Michael & Gabriel would have given me a lot more patience & appreciation once I finally had a child to hold. I feel foolish even admitting that I thought I was going to be SuperMom, and nothing would bring me down.  Well, as it turns out, motherhood is tough. Exhausting. And I feel an incredible amount of guilt every time I get frustrated with Annalise, because I think "this is what I've wanted so badly for 2 years, what is my problem!?"  I heard it so many times before, but never fully understood - parenthood is hard.  As a parent, you really do have to put yourself last.  If Annalise wakes up 3 hours before I would like to wake up? Tough. 
I am being taught a real lesson in patience - and being taught that I need to pray for that patience.  It is absolutely not of my own strength that I can get through any particularly tough day.  I often catch myself wondering if I'm the only one who struggles like I do.  I wish that Moms would speak up about just how frustrated they get, because it feels lonely on those days when I would just like to hand my girl off to someone else & crawl into a hole until morning. The thing is though, is that it's embarassing, right? It is incredibly hard to admit to anyone that you don't really feel like being a Mom today.  Why is it that when anyone asks how we're doing, how Annalise is doing, I feel like I have to say, "She's great; she is a really good baby; we're doing fantastic".  I mean, she is great and she is an incredibly good baby - but that certainly doesn't mean I don't have days when I wonder what I've gotten myself into - and we're not always doing fantastic.

I plan to give my blog a bit more attention these days - I would love to eventually get to the point where I'm blogging every few days - because I don't want to just blog when I have something to rant about.  I want to brag about the wonderful things that are happening with our family too; and the adorable little character that Annalise is becoming.  I feel like I need to use this outlet to say it all, like before.  Getting it down into words helps me find some clarity!

Here's a quick little update on what's happening with us...
Derek was just offered a job with the Town of Nanton, basically in the same position he is in with the Town of Okotoks - since we moved to Nanton, we always said, maybe a position will open up & he will no longer have to commute 50km back & forth every day! And here we are, just one year later.  He starts on February 7 - God is good!
Annalise is just 3 1/2 weeks away from turning one!  She just started crawling 2 weeks ago, and has completely taken off! She is all over the place - it's pretty adorable (tiring, but adorable!). 
She loves to eat, and won't stop until we stop shoveling it in!  The other day I made lasagne for us, and was feeding her baby food, but she kept pointing at our lasagne & refusing to eat the baby food! I guess she likes my cooking!  The only obstacle when it comes to meal-time is getting her to drink anything! She will absolutely not let any type of cup near her mouth.  If we spoon-feed her liquid, she'll take it like a champ, but cups she will not do.
No real words yet, but she is sure chatting away.  As soon as we pick her up out of her crib, she has all sorts of things to say.  We are so excited to hear her first word!
I'm still working 2 days a week at our church, and up until about 3 weeks ago, I was taking Annalise with me - but it was just getting to be too much - for both of us - so now she's with Oma Rita every Wednesday, and another lady from our church (Auntie Chris!) every Friday.  It's been a really nice change, a nice break for me, and I end the day anxious to see her again!
And, last, but certainly not least.... we are expecting again!  Another Janzen will join our family at the beginning of August!  (Or, more likely, the end of July if this one comes early like Annalise did!)  We are looking forward to meeting this new member of our family & anticipating a very, very busy summer!

D.