15 Weeks, 4 Days

I cried for my babies today. For the first time in quite a while. I cried because I miss them desperately; I cried because no pregnancy will ever be the same since they were in our lives.

I thought I was going to get through this pregnancy pretty easily, because I thought my trust in God was enough to make me believe that He wouldn't possibly take another baby from us. Derek and I read a certain devotional a couple of weeks ago, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. The writer spoke of his wife suffering multiple miscarriages in a row, and how difficult it was to trust God after losing these babies. I can't remember his exact words, but he said something like, "Why do I bother asking God to keep these babies safe?" He spoke of one day, where he truly believed that God was telling him that this time everything would be fine - but they still lost that baby. I'm certain that this devotional ended on a positive note, but I don't remember what it was, and whatever it was, still didn't give me that much hope. Now I'm struggling with knowing how I should pray. Why bother asking God to keep this baby safe? I asked him to keep the twins safe - every day.

As I get closer to the time in my pregnancy where we lost the twins, and as I start to feel the familiar feelings of this baby moving inside of me, and my belly growing, I can't help but start to worry. I'm not necessarily overwhelmed by this worry, but I just can't seem to bring myself to really trust that we'll take this baby home in March. It's been bittersweet making the announcement at church & telling our friends and family - I keep saying "We're very excited" - and don't get me wrong - we are excited - but we're also worried. Everyone keeps saying things like, "I know that this pregnancy will work out, you'll take this baby home in March" - and they are probably right, we probably will; but I just don't know.

Some days I feel like it's incredibly unfair that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy - I love being pregnant, and both pregnancies have been easy, in the way of no morning sickness, etc. There's just always this little voice in the back of my head that says, "be careful what you enjoy... don't be too quick to prepare for this baby... are you sure you want to post those pregnancy pictures? You remember how hard it was to get rid of the pictures of the last pregnancy... don't let yourself get too connected to this baby, yet." Is that Satan putting thoughts in my head, or is that just me being rational, protecting myself from some of the most painful things I had to do after losing the twins?

I just keep thinking forward to the day that I get to hold a child of mine - when they hand me a wrinkly little baby, and I can take him/her home to keep forever. I can only imagine the joy. March cannot come soon enough.

D.

I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18:1