Michael Janzen 10 1/2 inches, 430 grams
Gabriel Janzen 11 inches, 450 grams
Born and Died, Wednesday February 17, 2010
I can hardly believe it's been almost 2 months since Michael & Gabriel left us. Quite quickly after all of this happened, I wrote out my entire experience with the labour & delivery - I don't want to forget a thing. I had a woman from our church look it over, and condense it - here's the condensed version; I plan on sharing this with our church family in our monthly newsletter and thought I would share it with all of you as well.
The beginning of our difficult journey began with small signs. On Tuesday, February 16, 2010, Derek had stayed home from work, because he woke up with a terribly sore back. I woke up feeling more cramps than usual - but they were certainly bearable and not enough to cause much concern. We spent a very relaxed morning together, and Derek felt a kick for the very first time. “Twin B” (now known as Gabriel) was always quite active in the womb & I felt him moving often. We went about our day as usual, but that evening, the cramps began to get worse; to the point that I had to sit down for them to pass. This caused a bit more concern of course, so I called my midwife Kathleen. Kathleen told me that most often cramping was caused by dehydration, and I was to drink lots of water & relax for the evening.
When we went to bed, the cramps were present all night... I had a terribly restless night and at about 4am, I woke up, with the feeling that this was just not right. I woke Derek up & he called the Rockyview hospital, who directed us to go straight to the Foothills hospital, because of their advanced neonatal care. We left home just before 5am & drove the long (and snowy) drive to Foothills hospital, which took us about an hour.
When we got to the hospital, we checked in at the maternity ward & they put us into the “triage” where women begin their labour while waiting for a labour & delivery room. The triage nurse listened to both babies’ heartbeats and hooked me up to a monitor. The contractions were coming quite regularly, but from the way I was handling them, the nurses didn’t think there was a lot of reason for concern. I had a feeling by then that I was in fact going through pre-term labour; but I thought even so, they would be able to stop it.
After several hours of waiting, a doctor finally came to examine me. He said he would like to watch me for a couple of hours, and if not much changed, an option would be to suture my cervix to delay labour. The underlying concern was of course that I was only 23 weeks along - at 24 weeks, there could have been some chance of survival. When the nurse came to put in an IV, my water broke, which was devastating. We knew that meant there was no stopping the progression of labour, and the nurse moved us into a private labour & delivery room, basically just to wait. We had our own one-on-one nurse who stayed in the room with us a lot of the time - all of the nurses offered support and were very compassionate.
In the early afternoon, Derek’s mom came - she was wonderful - even just having her there felt really good. There’s just something about a Mom isn’t there? Derek was amazing. He was the one to call both his mom & my mom. He said the phone call to my mom was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Mom & Dad booked a flight pretty much right away - and would arrive the next morning at 9:30. Derek kept telling me how brave I was, and how strong I was. It was exactly the support I hoped for when I thought about going through labour.
At around 6pm, the doctor came in again, and she felt Michael already. So we went from quietly waiting, to a sudden rush - calling in the neonatal doctors & the delivering obstetrician. We also called Kathleen, because the plan was that she would come for the delivery. Before long, the doctors were telling me to push and Michael was born. Derek & his mom were so great & so supportive during the whole thing. It was heartbreaking when I got a first look at my son. He was so tiny. The nurses took him away pretty quickly, before we even had a chance to see that he was a boy. Before long though, he was wrapped up & in my arms. I couldn’t believe his perfect little body. Upon looking at him, you would never know that he wasn’t developed enough to live. What a perfect, tiny human he was. We were able to spend some time holding Michael. I just fell so in love with his tiny little features. I spent the time just admiring every little thing about him - his tiny tiny feet & hands, ears, nose, lips. Kathleen arrived pretty quickly after Michael was born - her support was absolutely amazing too. Once the contractions for Gabriel started, Kathleen knew exactly where to rub my back & exactly what to say to help me through each one. She was so incredible, I was so blessed to have her there; Derek & his Mom were such wonderful support; “Oma” held Michael through my whole labour & delivery for Gabriel. It didn’t take much longer before Gabriel was born too. Neither of the boys even took a breath - they were just simply too small.
The nurse took all of Gabriel’s measurements, and cleaned him up as needed. Soon I was holding both of my boys. The nurses even had little tiny outfits that we could dress both boys in for the time being - it was remarkable - they treated them so special, just like they were to us. We spent lots of time admiring our little boys - and once they were both here, Derek came up with their names. Michael & Gabriel: our tiny little angels. We both knew right away which baby would have which name; it was pretty astounding how we knew them already. The nurses had a camera there, so we were able to get lots of pictures - I’m so grateful for that - I can’t imagine not being able to see photos of them when they were first born. I know I’ll look back at those photos a lot.
After lots of cuddle time, I was so incredibly tired, my eyes were closing in the middle of conversation - so Derek & his mom went home. I was so tired; I knew I would sleep, so we figured it made sense for Derek to come home for some solid rest too. Derek set up a little table beside me with anything I might need (what a man) and went home.
My mom and dad arrived at the hospital at about 9:30 the next morning & we shared some tears, and held & admired Michael & Gabriel for a while too. I was so incredibly glad to have my mom & dad with me - what a blessing.
The few days following were a bit of a whirlwind. Originally we planned to just have a little memorial service for our babies, with just our families – but decided to open the invitation to the church family. We were so grateful to have a plot at the Trinity cemetery. We went to the funeral home that afternoon to make some small arrangements with them. A member of Trinity, Dave Pekrul works for the funeral home, and he was able to pick Michael & Gabriel up from the hospital; Dave told us that was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.
Friday morning my brother Paul & his wife Anita arrived, as well as my sister, Kelcy. I can hardly even describe how important it was for us to have my entire family there as well. When all of this began, I wasn’t even sure that my mom & dad would come; it just meant so much to me that they would all make the trip here to support me. It sure helped too. When the pain was at its worst, I had a bit of a distraction during the day. We could actually laugh a bit together.
Saturday was the day of the funeral – and it came quickly. It was so nice to wake up to a house full of people that love me. The funeral was so beautiful; also incredibly difficult & we shed a LOT of tears, but at the end of the day, we felt quite at peace. It was astonishing how many people from the congregation came to show support (I think I heard there were close to 100 people there!); even the youth made the trip back from Snow Camp at Camp Valaqua just to be there for us. We continue to be amazed at the support that the youth showed – they all wept with us. It was easily apparent how many people loved our sons already – the congregation was so involved in the joy of our pregnancy and now also were in our sadness. After the funeral, we made our way to the Trinity cemetery, where we had a little burial service. The burial was so intimate & so personal – Derek started filling in the grave himself, and eventually, both of the Grandfathers helped him finish up. It offered such closure to be able to watch while the entire grave was filled in – I was surprised how much my emotions changed from the first shovel-full to the last. We left the cemetery with a small sense of peace in our hearts.
We are so incredibly grateful for the support we continue to receive, from our families & from Trinity. As difficult as this loss is (and will be) for us, the prayers & support are what is getting us through.
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