A New Season

Well, spring is in the air... I thought I would get frustrated with the changing seasons - as strange as that must sound. I wanted winter to stick around, because it seemed to match the way I was feeling. But as spring is slowly showing its face, I'm starting to look forward to more and more of those warm, sunny days. Life is getting easier day by day - and Derek and I are able to share a bit of laughter almost every day. Obviously the "grieving process" is not over - probably not even nearly - but it sure comes in stages.

I've never really had to deal with grief like this - it's amazing how strong emotions can be, and what stages they come in. At the beginning, it felt so raw, and I couldn't imagine a day coming that held NO tears - now, the tears certainly still come, but not every day. I can tell that God is working on me every single day.. maybe some day I'll even feel complete again!

I recently ordered a devotional called "Grieving the Child I never Knew", and it finally arrived! It is so refreshing to read something written by someone who has experienced this - experienced these emotions - and can honestly say that she is stronger - as a person, and in her faith - because of it.

I've also been chatting every day with a very close friend who went through miscarriage about a year and a half ago.. She is amazing, and such a strong source of support for me. She'll ask me every day - "how are you today?" and I can answer honestly - and she understands!! Don't get me wrong, I sure appreciate all of the people who care, and who want to know how I'm doing; it's just so nice to be able to talk to someone who has been there - and has experienced these emotions.

Life is continuing on - and we are getting back into our normal routines, which seems to be a really good thing.

We are so grateful for all of you who are thinking of us, and praying for us. I can't thank you enough.

How things have changed...

I'm sure that most of you know by now that we recently lost our twin baby boys, Michael & Gabriel. On Wednesday February 17, I went into preterm labour and delivered our twins at only 23 weeks. They were just too tiny to survive this world yet, so they are in the arms of Jesus.

Derek and I are doing ok .. the tears come and go, (they seem to come more often than go) as can be expected. We miss our boys each and every day, and often think of what our world would be like if we were able to keep them here with us. We know in our minds that there is a reason for all of this - now it's just to get that through to our hearts.

We are so incredibly grateful for the support that we have around us. My entire family was able to come out for the weekend following Michael & Gabriel's death, and we had a very beautiful funeral service for them. We were amazed at how many people came to support us at the funeral - we are so loved by our families and by our church family; for that we sure are grateful.

On another note completely, the house that we recently put an offer in on fell through. We were disappointed of course, but in the grand scheme of things, a house seems miniscule - we are sure realizing what is important in life.

Life has changed completely for the Janzen family - and in a matter of weeks. It feels like an eternity ago that I felt my babies kicking around inside of me.

Derek and I keep saying - some day, we'll look back on this, and see more clearly that God has a real and perfect plan for our lives. I long for that day.