the Janzens: Two Very Different Birthdays

We're settling down this weekend after a whirlwind of activity in the last couple of weeks.

My mom & dad came to visit from Ontario for about 5 days, surrounding Annalise's and the twins' birthdays. We had a really great (really really busy) few days together, and as always, I wished they could stay just a few days longer! It was really wonderful to watch Annalise interact with my parents; the last time they saw her, she was just 5 months old, so she wasn't doing too much interacting yet! She was a bit shocked to see them in our house the morning that she woke up to them here, but it didn't take long before she totally warmed up to having them around.

Leading up to these days, I didn't really think about how different it was going to be this year remembering the twins' birthday. I thought about them often throughout that day, but somewhat unfortunately, their birthday seemed to be overshadowed by Annalise's birthday which was coming the very next day. We had quite a party planned, so there was a lot to do that day before. We visited the cemetery that evening with Derek & I and both sets of our parents; we had brought a little bouquet of flowers, and each of us placed a couple down for Michael & Gabriel. That felt like a really nice tradition. We didn't have to say anything really at all, just quietly think about them. I can't believe it's been two years since they came & went.

It still frustrates me that grief doesn't show up when you expect it to. On Michael & Gabriel's birthday, I thought about them, but I didn't feel that grief... not that day. It seemed to be in the days following that I really remembered those awful days. We went to Lake Louise on the Sunday following Annalise's birthday (her birthday was the Saturday). The thing was (and I didn't think it would affect me like it did), we had gone to Lake Louise for the very same event just a couple of days before the twins were born. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that day 2 years ago, and the hope that we still had, knowing that we were going to have twins. I was having a good time, but there was just a lingering empty feeling while we were walking around. Not to mention it was well past nap-time AND lunch-time for Annalise, so you can imagine how happy she was.

All in all, we've had a really great couple of weeks. Annalise's birthday was a really fun day packed with lots of friends & lots of food! She was such a good girl the entire day. This year, I found it bittersweet to celebrate Annalise's birthday just following remembering the twins' birthday, I wonder if it will always be a bit bittersweet. My fear is that I'll stop thinking about the twins like I feel like I should. I feel like there should always be a bit of sadness on that day, otherwise it feels like we're forgetting them.

This post has felt a bit scatter-brained, and for that, I apologize. I've been thinking a lot about how I can get this into writing, how I can describe the way that those two birthdays bumped up next to each other felt for me. I hope that this post makes a little bit of sense!

Here are a few pictures from Annalise's birthday, and our visit with Mom & Dad.