"I'm standing and I can't get down"

"They grow up so fast, don't they?" If I had a nickel for every time I've heard this in the past year, I would be a rich woman.  Well, maybe not rich, but I would have a lot of nickels.  And it's absolutely true - they do grow up fast.  I'm watching my daughter standing against the coffee table (getting mad because she's stuck standing ... am I supposed to help her every time she gets frustrated about this?), with drool all down her chin because she's cutting more teeth (this will be 7 or 8 teeth in about a month) and I'm thinking wow, she sure has grown a lot... in the last MONTH, not to mention how much she's grown & developed since she was born! And I love it. I am so not at the point yet where I miss her infant days - she's becoming such a little character, it's so much more rewarding than the days where she was a crying little lump!  I find myself just looking forward to each new stage, rather than completely embracing the stage that she's at.  Maybe that's not the best way to do this, but I just see how much happier she is as she learns something new (well, until she gets stuck standing up).

Now that Annalise is so much more content, I'm starting to feel much less nervous about bringing another baby into the family.  I am obviously still kept very busy with her, but she is also so capable of entertaining herself a lot of the time throughout the day too; what a relief!  And I think it's safe to say, we've got naps figured out... finally.  And boy, do I appreciate that.  It was a long run of fighting her to sleep at all during the day, and it took a lot out of me.  It is a good feeling to have a routine established; and I can't take the credit - Annalise just finally figured it out.  I really hated hearing that when I was trying to get her to take proper naps - but it is true, they eventually just figure it out on their own.  I was persistent in offering naps, twice a day, and leaving her in her crib for an hour no matter what, and I do think that helped. (Not to mention, knowing I would get that 1 hour break helped me maintain my sanity!)
We are blessed.

Until next time!
D.

Two Very Different Birthdays

We're settling down this weekend after a whirlwind of activity in the last couple of weeks.

My mom & dad came to visit from Ontario for about 5 days, surrounding Annalise's and the twins' birthdays.  We had a really great (really really busy) few days together, and as always, I wished they could stay just a few days longer!  It was really wonderful to watch Annalise interact with my parents; the last time they saw her, she was just 5 months old, so she wasn't doing too much interacting yet!  She was a bit shocked to see them in our house the morning that she woke up to them here, but it didn't take long before she totally warmed up to having them around.

Leading up to these days, I didn't really think about how different it was going to be this year remembering the twins' birthday.  I thought about them often throughout that day, but somewhat unfortunately, their birthday seemed to be overshadowed by Annalise's birthday which was coming the very next day.  We had quite a party planned, so there was a lot to do that day before.  We visited the cemetery that evening with Derek & I and both sets of our parents; we had brought a little bouquet of flowers, and each of us placed a couple down for Michael & Gabriel.  That felt like a really nice tradition.  We didn't have to say anything really at all, just quietly think about them.  I can't believe it's been two years since they came & went.

It still frustrates me that grief doesn't show up when you expect it to.  On Michael & Gabriel's birthday, I thought about them, but I didn't feel that grief... not that day.  It seemed to be in the days following that I really remembered those awful days.  We went to Lake Louise on the Sunday following Annalise's birthday (her birthday was the Saturday).  The thing was (and I didn't think it would affect me like it did), we had gone to Lake Louise for the very same event just a couple of days before the twins were born.  I couldn't help but keep thinking about that day 2 years ago, and the hope that we still had, knowing that we were going to have twins.  I was having a good time, but there was just a lingering empty feeling while we were walking around.  Not to mention it was well past nap-time AND lunch-time for Annalise, so you can imagine how happy she was.

All in all, we've had a really great couple of weeks.  Annalise's birthday was a really fun day packed with lots of friends & lots of food! She was such a good girl the entire day.  This year, I found it bittersweet to celebrate Annalise's birthday just following remembering the twins' birthday, I wonder if it will always be a bit bittersweet.  My fear is that I'll stop thinking about the twins like I feel like I should.  I feel like there should always be a bit of sadness on that day, otherwise it feels like we're forgetting them.

This post has felt a bit scatter-brained, and for that, I apologize.  I've been thinking a lot about how I can get this into writing, how I can describe the way that those two birthdays bumped up next to each other felt for me.  I hope that this post makes a little bit of sense!

Here are a few pictures from Annalise's birthday, and our visit with Mom & Dad.

 The Birthday girl in her new forward-facing carseat!

Opening presents

Pretty excited about her birthday cake!

Feelin a little chilly at Lake Louise!

As always, thanks for reading.

D.

On the Move

Goodness, can our girl crawl.  It didn't take long for her to take off & start exploring all over this house!  Derek & I have said several times in the last couple of days "Wow, she's getting fast!"  She's starting to chase the cats around, much to their chagrin.
It's funny too, I always said I wouldn't be big on the whole "babyproofing" thing (outlet covers, latches on doors, etc), but I'm learning (again) that I need not judge until I've experienced.  I'm already wondering how I can make it easier to be sure Annalise doesn't get into things she shouldn't.  I've already installed a baby gate in our kitchen doorway.  That way I have the option of keeping her just in the living room, where she can (mostly) keep out of trouble.
It's been another lesson in selflessness for me, because I have even less of my day to get things done that I'd like to get done.  I spend much of my day chasing her around, making sure she's not pulling cat fur, or playing with cords, or tipping over the cats' water.  The difference between this lesson in selflessness & the lesson I've been learning in the weeks before she's been able to crawl is the reward of her joy now that she's mobile! She is a different baby now than she was even 3 weeks ago.  I'm exhausted at the end of a day, but there are less days that I feel so emotionally exhausted because I've been dealing with a cranky baby.
In my last post, I talked about the struggle that we've been having with getting Annalise to drink anything out of a cup, well I am absolutely pleased to let you know that she's got it mastered! For a couple of days we were feeding her milk from a teaspoon, until one day, she finally opened her mouth & accepted the cup! We are so pleased, especially because she pretty much decided she was done with breastfeeding around the same time.  What a big girl.

Here's a photo we took on Christmas Eve; I haven't been taking many photos, mostly just videos!  I'll work on that. :)

In other news, I had an appointment this morning with my midwife & all is well! I got the results of the early ultrasound I had a few weeks ago (mostly just to be sure of how many babies are in there, because if we were to have another twin pregnancy, we would want to be very careful, very early on).  Baby is healthy, mama is healthy.  I heard the heartbeat for the first time.. that's always exciting & makes it feel real again.  I forgot how quiet & tiny the heartbeat sounds at the beginning!
We've been keeping really busy with some renovations we're doing in our kitchen; we started before Christmas, and the end seems to be in sight!  Finally I'm gaining my energy back, so I'm a bit more useful in the reno department!  I will post about the reno one of these days very soon - we're keeping the progress photos to ourselves until the project is finished!

Until next time...
 D.

Honesty... Motherhood.

It's interesting how my grief brought out a very raw, honest side of me.  I wrote exactly what I was feeling, and it helped.  A lot.  This blog was a very necessary tool in my grieving process; it was therapeutic to get it all out there, and to feel the support from all of you who read it & thanked me for my honesty. 

I'm going to be honest again today.

The loss of our twins still affects me, every day.  In a way that I definitely did not expect.  I expected that losing Michael & Gabriel would have given me a lot more patience & appreciation once I finally had a child to hold. I feel foolish even admitting that I thought I was going to be SuperMom, and nothing would bring me down.  Well, as it turns out, motherhood is tough. Exhausting. And I feel an incredible amount of guilt every time I get frustrated with Annalise, because I think "this is what I've wanted so badly for 2 years, what is my problem!?"  I heard it so many times before, but never fully understood - parenthood is hard.  As a parent, you really do have to put yourself last.  If Annalise wakes up 3 hours before I would like to wake up? Tough. 
I am being taught a real lesson in patience - and being taught that I need to pray for that patience.  It is absolutely not of my own strength that I can get through any particularly tough day.  I often catch myself wondering if I'm the only one who struggles like I do.  I wish that Moms would speak up about just how frustrated they get, because it feels lonely on those days when I would just like to hand my girl off to someone else & crawl into a hole until morning. The thing is though, is that it's embarassing, right? It is incredibly hard to admit to anyone that you don't really feel like being a Mom today.  Why is it that when anyone asks how we're doing, how Annalise is doing, I feel like I have to say, "She's great; she is a really good baby; we're doing fantastic".  I mean, she is great and she is an incredibly good baby - but that certainly doesn't mean I don't have days when I wonder what I've gotten myself into - and we're not always doing fantastic.

I plan to give my blog a bit more attention these days - I would love to eventually get to the point where I'm blogging every few days - because I don't want to just blog when I have something to rant about.  I want to brag about the wonderful things that are happening with our family too; and the adorable little character that Annalise is becoming.  I feel like I need to use this outlet to say it all, like before.  Getting it down into words helps me find some clarity!

Here's a quick little update on what's happening with us...
Derek was just offered a job with the Town of Nanton, basically in the same position he is in with the Town of Okotoks - since we moved to Nanton, we always said, maybe a position will open up & he will no longer have to commute 50km back & forth every day! And here we are, just one year later.  He starts on February 7 - God is good!
Annalise is just 3 1/2 weeks away from turning one!  She just started crawling 2 weeks ago, and has completely taken off! She is all over the place - it's pretty adorable (tiring, but adorable!). 
She loves to eat, and won't stop until we stop shoveling it in!  The other day I made lasagne for us, and was feeding her baby food, but she kept pointing at our lasagne & refusing to eat the baby food! I guess she likes my cooking!  The only obstacle when it comes to meal-time is getting her to drink anything! She will absolutely not let any type of cup near her mouth.  If we spoon-feed her liquid, she'll take it like a champ, but cups she will not do.
No real words yet, but she is sure chatting away.  As soon as we pick her up out of her crib, she has all sorts of things to say.  We are so excited to hear her first word!
I'm still working 2 days a week at our church, and up until about 3 weeks ago, I was taking Annalise with me - but it was just getting to be too much - for both of us - so now she's with Oma Rita every Wednesday, and another lady from our church (Auntie Chris!) every Friday.  It's been a really nice change, a nice break for me, and I end the day anxious to see her again!
And, last, but certainly not least.... we are expecting again!  Another Janzen will join our family at the beginning of August!  (Or, more likely, the end of July if this one comes early like Annalise did!)  We are looking forward to meeting this new member of our family & anticipating a very, very busy summer!

D.

A Miracle in a beautiful, tiny package

Phew.. it's been a while since I've posted on my blog! I'm sure most of you who read this already know of our beautiful Miracle, but let's make it an official announcement.

Annalise Valerie Janzen was born on February 18, 2011 at 8:48am, weighing 7lbs, 1oz.

I feel like there's so much to say.. where do I start?

Well, first of all, there is great significance in her birthday! Just the day before she was born, I was posting a Happy Heavenly Birthday to our sons, Michael & Gabriel. Derek & I made sure to embrace that day, and allow ourselves to grieve over them again. We visited the cemetary, (though we didn't stay long, because there was knee-high snow, and it was very chilly), and we had dinner that evening with Mom and Dad Janzen. We also set up the crib in Annalise's room - I remember saying that evening, I feel prepared now for this baby! Our midwife told us just the day before the twins' birthday, that it was important for us to allow ourselves the emotions that came with that day - important for ourselves, and important for the health of the pregnancy.
It was no coincidence that Annalise was born the very next day - it was absolutely, without a doubt, a God thing. Annalise wasn't due until March 12 - she was 3 weeks early. Derek & I have said on numerous occasions, that we are grateful that she wasn't born on the 17th, because we feel like it's important for the twins to have their own day; but what a blessing to have a brand new baby to celebrate exactly a year after the worst days of our lives.

The labour & delivery to bring Annalise into this world was a beautiful experience, for what it was. The whole process was only 4 hours from start to finish, and all went perfectly, without a hitch.

I woke up at 4:48 in the morning to my water breaking, and then contractions started, so I called my midwife. She said to try and get some rest, because it would probably be a few hours before I was in enough pain that I needed to get to the hospital. Of course I was just too excited to go back to bed, and before long the contractions were coming quickly & strong! By 7am, we were at the hospital, calling Derek's mom to come quick if she wanted to be there for the birth! Annalise was born an hour and 45 minutes later, in the water. (By the way - water birth, strongly recommended!) We spent the next 2 nights in the hospital, and took her home on a sunny, but very cold, Sunday afternoon.

Now here we are, 3 months later, and I'm finally getting around to writing about all of this! Annalise is an amazing baby. As I write, she is cooing away in her playpen. We are so incredibly blessed. She already sleeps through the night, and has since before she was a month old, and for the most part throughout the day, she is very content. These days she has so many smiles to give - it is such a special moment when she flashes a smile, just for me. We're still waiting for her first laugh - I don't think it will be long now.



There are so many people that love her; what a lucky baby girl.
D.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Happy Birthday Sweet Angels...

I don't have anything deep & meaningful to write today, but I feel like it's important to acknowledge this day. I can't believe it's been a year since we said goodbye to our angels. Today has been harder than I expected it to be - I woke up with that sinking feeling that I felt a lot after we lost the twins.

It feels good, in a strange way to think back on this day a year ago, and to cry for our boys again.

I know that our babies are celebrating their birthday in the best way possible - that doesn't keep me from wishing they were celebrating with us though.

We miss you Michael & Gabriel... Thinking of you every single day.

D.

Hello 2011

I was so happy to say Good-Bye to 2010. The year held some blessings of course, but I'm sure I'll always look back on 2010 as the year that Jesus took Michael & Gabriel Home.

I'm looking forward to 2011 with a lot of hope - I am 2 months away from the birth of this baby, and now that the Christmas season & all of our celebrations are over, my mind is completely filled with what we need to do before the arrival of this baby. I always thought with 2 months left, I would feel like I had plenty of time, but I catch myself thinking, "what if this baby comes early??" I even had a dream not too long ago, that we had this baby, but no clothes to put him/her in! I guess that's probably normal in the late stages of pregnancy. Derek assures me we have plenty of time.

I have to believe that 2011 is the year that we will hold a healthy baby in our arms. But sometimes... those thoughts seem to creep in. What if it's not that easy? What if God has other plans for this baby? As I start collecting things for this baby, a tiny voice in the back of my head says, "I sure hope you don't have to pack all of this away, without a baby to use it for". The devil is pretty sneaky that way, making me think those thoughts are normal... making me worry about the well-being of this baby.

I've been sick with a cold for the last few days (courtesy of my husband!), and I think it may have made our baby sleepy, because yesterday and the day before, the baby wasn't moving quite as much as he/she had been. There were little movements, here and there, but I was actually starting to get concerned. Thankfully, last night as I dozed off to sleep, baby seemed to wake up & started kicking & rolling around even more than before! What a relief. If it's possible, I feel like I'm appreciating all of these movements even more.. it's like Baby is telling me - "No worries, Mama, I'm doing well in here!" :)

So, here's to 2011. Hoping that all of you are blessed in big ways this year.

D.