Happy Birthday Annalise Valerie!

I can't believe you're two years old today. You're becoming such a little character, and you're such a joy to have around (aside from those toddler tantrums, of course).

Just in time for your birthday, you're finally over an ear infection that has been bothering you for over a week.. We are so grateful that you're (almost) completely yourself again. We were able to enjoy a birthday party for you on Saturday, with just a few close friends and family.. You were most excited about "cake", and would shout "presents!" when someone would walk in with a gift. You were happy to share your presents with your little friends; we all really enjoyed watching you playing with your new blocks together!
Today we went to the Saskatoon Farm for lunch with Oma & Opa Janzen, and then back home to play with all of your things!

Here are a few things I want to remember about 2-year-old Annalise:
- You love cookies, as most two year olds probably do. When we ask you what you would like for any meal, your answer is either "cookies!" or "oatmeal!" You love oatmeal, too, and can often eat two full packets of the instant stuff.

- You are learning your numbers and alphabet ("A,B's" as you say) so quickly! You can already identify almost all of the letters, struggling a little bit with 'v' (you think it's 'y') and 'w' (that's a hard one to say!) The first letter you always put in your alphabet puzzle is 'o'. Your favourite number is '8', and was the first number you were able to identify. I remember walking around in WalMart a couple of months ago, and you pointed to an 8 on a sign and said "8!". I couldn't help but think it was just a coincidence, but sure enough you proved it on several occasions!

- You love to sing with me! Before naps and sometimes bedtime, I ask you what you would like to sing, and you say "Jesus!" (Jesus Loves Me), and then "sunshine!" (You Are My Sunshine). You know many of the words, and sing along. I love it - I hope you'll always like to sing.

- You love Toopy & Binoo, but not Mike the Knight or Thomas.

- You say "like it" and shake your head when you don't like something. These days that's happening at the dinner table more often than we'd like. You say "like it...more...too bad" (don't like it anymore, too bad). Because when you don't want to eat something, Mommy says, "too bad for you!" We'll see if your good appetite comes back when you're completely over this sickness.

- Mommy takes you to Mother Goose every Tuesday morning, and you love it! It takes you a little bit to warm up when we get there, but once you're comfortable, you love to run around that big open room! You remember the rhymes well, and you love it when we sing them at home too.


We are looking forward to watching you develop in many more years to come. Thank you for keeping us on our toes, and keeping life entertaining! We love you, little girl.

Meet Archer!

Well, our sweet boy is here! Archer William arrived on Monday, July 30 at 7:01am, after a quick 4 1/2 hours of labour.  He weighed 7lbs, 15oz and was 20 1/2 inches long.  Our first three weeks with Archer have been a bit of a whirlwind; even more than we expected.  The first week home was just our little family - Derek was able to have the week off from work, so we just relaxed around home and adjusted to life with another baby!  The next week, my parents came to visit and my mom helped me with things around the house - what a blessing!

Last week we experienced a bit of stress, as we had to spend some time at the Children's Hospital with Archer... Here's what happened:

At my 36 week prenatal visit, my midwife, Kathleen, heard a very high heart rate as she listened at the beginning of our appointment; it only lasted maybe a minute and then went right back down to normal & didn't happen again the several times she checked while I was there. At the time we didn't think too much of it, because we had never heard that before at any of my appointments. 

When Archer was born, upon his assessment, Kathleen heard a high heart rate again but again didn't think we needed to do too much about it (besides keeping a closer watch on his heart rate anytime she would see him). 

On Wednesday of last week we had our 2 week visit with Kathleen and she heard that high heart rate twice in the 45 minutes or so that we were with her. She decided to do a phone consult with a pediatrician at the children's hospital just to see what our next steps should be. At this time we had NO idea what it could possibly be, and even Kathleen couldn't say what it might be as she didn't have any experience with this. 

Later that day I got a call back from Kathleen & the pediatrician she spoke with suggested that we should have an ECG done initially. That night we went to the hospital in High River and had an ECG done, and then we waited to hear from Kathleen again on what to do next. 

On Thursday morning Kathleen called after speaking with the cardiologist at the children's hospital, and she let us know that they wanted to monitor Archer for at least 24 hours, as well as run some more tests. So, at around 11 we left home for the hospital, after dropping Annalise off in Okotoks. 

When we arrived at the hospital they admitted Archer & showed us to our room, and then took us up to the cardiology clinic to have an Echo done and another ECG, and then they hooked him up to a holter monitor which would stay on for 24 hours. 

Later in the afternoon we met with the cardiologist (she was wonderful, and completely assuring. We are thankful for her!) who told us that the tests (echo & ECG) came back completely normal. This means that the function & structure of Archer's heart is all great, and there hasn't been any damage to his heart from these episodes. 

At that time, she told us what she suspected was happening, that he has something called SVT, which is quite common. She would just need to see a run of SVT (that high heart rate) on his heart monitor to confirm that that was indeed what it was. (Which is why we were staying 24 hours!)

On Friday, after 24 hours, Archer hadn't my had any runs of high heart rate so the doc suggested we stay another 24 hours & hope that we catch one. If we didn't see one in that time she said she would be comfortable sending us home & said we should just be sure to check his heart rate a few times a day so that if he had any runs, we would hopefully catch them.

On Saturday morning, it didn't appear that he had any runs but when the doc came in at 9:30, she said he had JUST had one, 15 minutes before. I had been feeding Archer & then snuggling him and didn't notice a thing! 

So, finally it was confirmed that he does in fact have SVT, and they wanted to start him on medication right away - which meant another 48 hour stay at the hospital, to monitor him ON the medication, making sure he accepted it well and that it did its job.  He did incredibly well, with none of the side effects that they were watching for, so on Monday afternoon, finally, we were discharged & sent home.

It's been quite an adjustment having an infant on medication, and having to give him that medication 4 times a day (every 6 hours); but he is accepting it really well, so at least it's not a struggle when it comes down to actually giving it to him! 

From here, we'll have periodic follow up appointments with the cardiologist, and eventually she will try to wean him off of the medication. A large percentage of infants grow out of SVT by a year, so that's the hope when we wean him off. 

Wearing the holter monitor (it was pretty rotten having all of those cords connected to him for 4 days!)

Sweet boy.

Thank you all so much for your prayers.. 

D.

A Little Update

I keep thinking our lives are going to slow down!  I'm not sure what we're so busy with, but weeks just seem to fly by, with us left in the dust thinking, "what happened? I wanted to get ______ done, but there was just no time."  Here are some of the things going on around the Janzen household:

I managed to get kids' rooms sorted out and nearly completed.  We finally decided where to put who: Annalise & Cole are now sharing a room, and the baby will go into what was Annalise's room.  It just seemed to make sense to place the two sleep-through-the-night'ers in the same room - rather than having an infant who wakes up every few hours keeping our toddler awake too! Not to mention naps during the day - Annalise is finally on a really great schedule for her nap(s) and it will be nice to keep her on that schedule as much as possible.. One solid nap in the late morning, and then (depending on time of day, etc), another "nap" (or more often, quiet time in her crib) for an hour in the afternoon.  I am SO grateful that we've gotten her used to having quiet time in the afternoon - I think I'll appreciate that a lot when Baby #2 is in the picture.  I had a lot of fun putting Cole & Annalise's room together - it was a fun challenge trying to figure out how to make it suitable for a 10-year old BOY, and a 16-month old GIRL!  I promise to post pictures once the finishing touches are done.

The transition into a new room for Annalise went so much smoother than I had imagined! I think I had a harder time with it than she did, actually. It's such a strange feeling (and I know I'm going to feel this a lot) making room for another baby .. especially before I really KNOW this baby.  It felt like I was taking something away from Annalise taking her out of her own big room that she's used to, and moving her into just a small "corner" of  Cole's room.  The first night in her room she cried a bit longer going to sleep, but then proceeded to sleep peacefully through the night.  Since then, she's been a little weird with her sleep, but yesterday (after an especially rough night) a cold that she must have been fighting finally surfaced, so I think once that has passed, we'll be back to peacefully sleeping through.

Derek is working between raindrops, and between weekend commitments, to build an extension on our deck in the back.  It's going a bit slower than he had initially planned, but he's getting work done on it here and there, and hoping to have it mostly done by the time Baby #2 comes.

Annalise seems to be changing every day & learning something new.  It seems like she's got another word in her vocabulary every-other day.  One of her newest favourite words is "baby", just in time (and she uses it mostly correctly, too!).  She's definitely become a toddler... this girl gets into EVERYTHING!  Some days I feel like I'm just following her around saying, "no, no Annalise, don't touch that" or "please don't climb on there". Luckily, at the end of most days I can just giggle about her crazy little personality & all the mischief she gets into during the day.  I'm so happy to say that I'm enjoying her so much more every day.


Baby #2 is growing well, and I'm still feeling pretty good.  I am 34.5 weeks now, and certainly starting to feel the aches & pains and discomfort of getting close to Baby Day!  Yesterday I vacuumed & cleaned our floors, and then I had to sit down for a while.  I had forgotten how exhausted such small chores could make me feel.  Simply bending over to pick something up is a pretty big ordeal! I'm doing my absolute best to LET IT GO when it comes to having a perfectly clean house.. that's pretty tough for me, but I realize a clean house might just be something of the past once I have 2 children to tend to. 


I imagine I'll be grateful for Annalise to simply be entertained - even if it means scattering the contents of my cupboards all over the kitchen floor.


Have a great summer all; stay tuned for another update, probably after Baby #2 makes his/her entrance into the world!
D.

Holy Moodswings, Mama.

There's another baby on the way. Woah. And not all that far away now - I'm officially in my third trimester; 27 weeks and 5 days, to be exact.  The second trimester has absolutely flown past (I suppose I shouldn't be surprised; everyone told me this pregnancy would.)  Baby and I are doing well - I'm feeling plenty of movement, much more I think than I did with Annalise, which is pretty cool.. the feeling of a baby moving inside of me is one I will cherish forever, it's really like nothing else.
I say this often: I'm very blessed when it comes to my pregnancies.. consistently, with all 3 pregnancies, I've had only a couple of weeks of feeling a bit lousy & having a really yucky appetite, but beyond my first trimester, just feeling really great.  There are of course days where I just feel pregnant and would rather lay around all day than do anything else, and I can feel those days coming a bit more often now as I get bigger & closer to the end, but I really can't complain.
Here's something that's a bit different this time around though. The mood swings. Oh, the mood swings. My poor, poor husband (and poor poor me, if I do say so myself!)  The funny thing about mood swings during pregnancy is that they can disguise themselves really well.  In the moment, I just have no idea why I'm flying off the handle because there are a couple of crumbs laying on the kitchen counter, and I'm the one who has to wipe them up.  I certainly wouldn't completely discredit the things that bother me when I'm feeling particularly emotional, but I would say that they are just slightly exaggerated; in the moment though, they sure don't feel that way! And I sure don't realize that they're being caused by this pregnancy!  That is one thing I look forward to saying goodbye to once this baby is born (and once post-partum hormones clear up; those are pretty rough too).
In other news, Annalise has officially started walking! Last Saturday morning we were relaxing around the house, and she suddenly stood up and took off! We were so surprised, and so pleased! It was a pretty exciting morning.  Here's a link to a video of the big event: Annalise's First Steps
She's been practising, slowly but surely, ever since and is just so proud of herself.
I think that about sums up any news in the Janzen household; we're busy (swamped even) with getting our yard & house ready for the summer, and for this new baby.  Derek has plans to add an extension to our deck in the backyard in the next month or so, and I've got plans to update Annalise's room, to accommodate another baby!  Not to mention, we've got very few little touch-ups in our kitchen to get it totally finished off - and then I can finally post some before & after photos of that project!  This is such an exciting time - we are loving our house & the projects that it comes with. :)

D.

"I'm standing and I can't get down"

"They grow up so fast, don't they?" If I had a nickel for every time I've heard this in the past year, I would be a rich woman.  Well, maybe not rich, but I would have a lot of nickels.  And it's absolutely true - they do grow up fast.  I'm watching my daughter standing against the coffee table (getting mad because she's stuck standing ... am I supposed to help her every time she gets frustrated about this?), with drool all down her chin because she's cutting more teeth (this will be 7 or 8 teeth in about a month) and I'm thinking wow, she sure has grown a lot... in the last MONTH, not to mention how much she's grown & developed since she was born! And I love it. I am so not at the point yet where I miss her infant days - she's becoming such a little character, it's so much more rewarding than the days where she was a crying little lump!  I find myself just looking forward to each new stage, rather than completely embracing the stage that she's at.  Maybe that's not the best way to do this, but I just see how much happier she is as she learns something new (well, until she gets stuck standing up).

Now that Annalise is so much more content, I'm starting to feel much less nervous about bringing another baby into the family.  I am obviously still kept very busy with her, but she is also so capable of entertaining herself a lot of the time throughout the day too; what a relief!  And I think it's safe to say, we've got naps figured out... finally.  And boy, do I appreciate that.  It was a long run of fighting her to sleep at all during the day, and it took a lot out of me.  It is a good feeling to have a routine established; and I can't take the credit - Annalise just finally figured it out.  I really hated hearing that when I was trying to get her to take proper naps - but it is true, they eventually just figure it out on their own.  I was persistent in offering naps, twice a day, and leaving her in her crib for an hour no matter what, and I do think that helped. (Not to mention, knowing I would get that 1 hour break helped me maintain my sanity!)
We are blessed.

Until next time!
D.

Two Very Different Birthdays

We're settling down this weekend after a whirlwind of activity in the last couple of weeks.

My mom & dad came to visit from Ontario for about 5 days, surrounding Annalise's and the twins' birthdays.  We had a really great (really really busy) few days together, and as always, I wished they could stay just a few days longer!  It was really wonderful to watch Annalise interact with my parents; the last time they saw her, she was just 5 months old, so she wasn't doing too much interacting yet!  She was a bit shocked to see them in our house the morning that she woke up to them here, but it didn't take long before she totally warmed up to having them around.

Leading up to these days, I didn't really think about how different it was going to be this year remembering the twins' birthday.  I thought about them often throughout that day, but somewhat unfortunately, their birthday seemed to be overshadowed by Annalise's birthday which was coming the very next day.  We had quite a party planned, so there was a lot to do that day before.  We visited the cemetery that evening with Derek & I and both sets of our parents; we had brought a little bouquet of flowers, and each of us placed a couple down for Michael & Gabriel.  That felt like a really nice tradition.  We didn't have to say anything really at all, just quietly think about them.  I can't believe it's been two years since they came & went.

It still frustrates me that grief doesn't show up when you expect it to.  On Michael & Gabriel's birthday, I thought about them, but I didn't feel that grief... not that day.  It seemed to be in the days following that I really remembered those awful days.  We went to Lake Louise on the Sunday following Annalise's birthday (her birthday was the Saturday).  The thing was (and I didn't think it would affect me like it did), we had gone to Lake Louise for the very same event just a couple of days before the twins were born.  I couldn't help but keep thinking about that day 2 years ago, and the hope that we still had, knowing that we were going to have twins.  I was having a good time, but there was just a lingering empty feeling while we were walking around.  Not to mention it was well past nap-time AND lunch-time for Annalise, so you can imagine how happy she was.

All in all, we've had a really great couple of weeks.  Annalise's birthday was a really fun day packed with lots of friends & lots of food! She was such a good girl the entire day.  This year, I found it bittersweet to celebrate Annalise's birthday just following remembering the twins' birthday, I wonder if it will always be a bit bittersweet.  My fear is that I'll stop thinking about the twins like I feel like I should.  I feel like there should always be a bit of sadness on that day, otherwise it feels like we're forgetting them.

This post has felt a bit scatter-brained, and for that, I apologize.  I've been thinking a lot about how I can get this into writing, how I can describe the way that those two birthdays bumped up next to each other felt for me.  I hope that this post makes a little bit of sense!

Here are a few pictures from Annalise's birthday, and our visit with Mom & Dad.

 The Birthday girl in her new forward-facing carseat!

Opening presents

Pretty excited about her birthday cake!

Feelin a little chilly at Lake Louise!

As always, thanks for reading.

D.

On the Move

Goodness, can our girl crawl.  It didn't take long for her to take off & start exploring all over this house!  Derek & I have said several times in the last couple of days "Wow, she's getting fast!"  She's starting to chase the cats around, much to their chagrin.
It's funny too, I always said I wouldn't be big on the whole "babyproofing" thing (outlet covers, latches on doors, etc), but I'm learning (again) that I need not judge until I've experienced.  I'm already wondering how I can make it easier to be sure Annalise doesn't get into things she shouldn't.  I've already installed a baby gate in our kitchen doorway.  That way I have the option of keeping her just in the living room, where she can (mostly) keep out of trouble.
It's been another lesson in selflessness for me, because I have even less of my day to get things done that I'd like to get done.  I spend much of my day chasing her around, making sure she's not pulling cat fur, or playing with cords, or tipping over the cats' water.  The difference between this lesson in selflessness & the lesson I've been learning in the weeks before she's been able to crawl is the reward of her joy now that she's mobile! She is a different baby now than she was even 3 weeks ago.  I'm exhausted at the end of a day, but there are less days that I feel so emotionally exhausted because I've been dealing with a cranky baby.
In my last post, I talked about the struggle that we've been having with getting Annalise to drink anything out of a cup, well I am absolutely pleased to let you know that she's got it mastered! For a couple of days we were feeding her milk from a teaspoon, until one day, she finally opened her mouth & accepted the cup! We are so pleased, especially because she pretty much decided she was done with breastfeeding around the same time.  What a big girl.

Here's a photo we took on Christmas Eve; I haven't been taking many photos, mostly just videos!  I'll work on that. :)

In other news, I had an appointment this morning with my midwife & all is well! I got the results of the early ultrasound I had a few weeks ago (mostly just to be sure of how many babies are in there, because if we were to have another twin pregnancy, we would want to be very careful, very early on).  Baby is healthy, mama is healthy.  I heard the heartbeat for the first time.. that's always exciting & makes it feel real again.  I forgot how quiet & tiny the heartbeat sounds at the beginning!
We've been keeping really busy with some renovations we're doing in our kitchen; we started before Christmas, and the end seems to be in sight!  Finally I'm gaining my energy back, so I'm a bit more useful in the reno department!  I will post about the reno one of these days very soon - we're keeping the progress photos to ourselves until the project is finished!

Until next time...
 D.

Honesty... Motherhood.

It's interesting how my grief brought out a very raw, honest side of me.  I wrote exactly what I was feeling, and it helped.  A lot.  This blog was a very necessary tool in my grieving process; it was therapeutic to get it all out there, and to feel the support from all of you who read it & thanked me for my honesty. 

I'm going to be honest again today.

The loss of our twins still affects me, every day.  In a way that I definitely did not expect.  I expected that losing Michael & Gabriel would have given me a lot more patience & appreciation once I finally had a child to hold. I feel foolish even admitting that I thought I was going to be SuperMom, and nothing would bring me down.  Well, as it turns out, motherhood is tough. Exhausting. And I feel an incredible amount of guilt every time I get frustrated with Annalise, because I think "this is what I've wanted so badly for 2 years, what is my problem!?"  I heard it so many times before, but never fully understood - parenthood is hard.  As a parent, you really do have to put yourself last.  If Annalise wakes up 3 hours before I would like to wake up? Tough. 
I am being taught a real lesson in patience - and being taught that I need to pray for that patience.  It is absolutely not of my own strength that I can get through any particularly tough day.  I often catch myself wondering if I'm the only one who struggles like I do.  I wish that Moms would speak up about just how frustrated they get, because it feels lonely on those days when I would just like to hand my girl off to someone else & crawl into a hole until morning. The thing is though, is that it's embarassing, right? It is incredibly hard to admit to anyone that you don't really feel like being a Mom today.  Why is it that when anyone asks how we're doing, how Annalise is doing, I feel like I have to say, "She's great; she is a really good baby; we're doing fantastic".  I mean, she is great and she is an incredibly good baby - but that certainly doesn't mean I don't have days when I wonder what I've gotten myself into - and we're not always doing fantastic.

I plan to give my blog a bit more attention these days - I would love to eventually get to the point where I'm blogging every few days - because I don't want to just blog when I have something to rant about.  I want to brag about the wonderful things that are happening with our family too; and the adorable little character that Annalise is becoming.  I feel like I need to use this outlet to say it all, like before.  Getting it down into words helps me find some clarity!

Here's a quick little update on what's happening with us...
Derek was just offered a job with the Town of Nanton, basically in the same position he is in with the Town of Okotoks - since we moved to Nanton, we always said, maybe a position will open up & he will no longer have to commute 50km back & forth every day! And here we are, just one year later.  He starts on February 7 - God is good!
Annalise is just 3 1/2 weeks away from turning one!  She just started crawling 2 weeks ago, and has completely taken off! She is all over the place - it's pretty adorable (tiring, but adorable!). 
She loves to eat, and won't stop until we stop shoveling it in!  The other day I made lasagne for us, and was feeding her baby food, but she kept pointing at our lasagne & refusing to eat the baby food! I guess she likes my cooking!  The only obstacle when it comes to meal-time is getting her to drink anything! She will absolutely not let any type of cup near her mouth.  If we spoon-feed her liquid, she'll take it like a champ, but cups she will not do.
No real words yet, but she is sure chatting away.  As soon as we pick her up out of her crib, she has all sorts of things to say.  We are so excited to hear her first word!
I'm still working 2 days a week at our church, and up until about 3 weeks ago, I was taking Annalise with me - but it was just getting to be too much - for both of us - so now she's with Oma Rita every Wednesday, and another lady from our church (Auntie Chris!) every Friday.  It's been a really nice change, a nice break for me, and I end the day anxious to see her again!
And, last, but certainly not least.... we are expecting again!  Another Janzen will join our family at the beginning of August!  (Or, more likely, the end of July if this one comes early like Annalise did!)  We are looking forward to meeting this new member of our family & anticipating a very, very busy summer!

D.

A Miracle in a beautiful, tiny package

Phew.. it's been a while since I've posted on my blog! I'm sure most of you who read this already know of our beautiful Miracle, but let's make it an official announcement.

Annalise Valerie Janzen was born on February 18, 2011 at 8:48am, weighing 7lbs, 1oz.

I feel like there's so much to say.. where do I start?

Well, first of all, there is great significance in her birthday! Just the day before she was born, I was posting a Happy Heavenly Birthday to our sons, Michael & Gabriel. Derek & I made sure to embrace that day, and allow ourselves to grieve over them again. We visited the cemetary, (though we didn't stay long, because there was knee-high snow, and it was very chilly), and we had dinner that evening with Mom and Dad Janzen. We also set up the crib in Annalise's room - I remember saying that evening, I feel prepared now for this baby! Our midwife told us just the day before the twins' birthday, that it was important for us to allow ourselves the emotions that came with that day - important for ourselves, and important for the health of the pregnancy.
It was no coincidence that Annalise was born the very next day - it was absolutely, without a doubt, a God thing. Annalise wasn't due until March 12 - she was 3 weeks early. Derek & I have said on numerous occasions, that we are grateful that she wasn't born on the 17th, because we feel like it's important for the twins to have their own day; but what a blessing to have a brand new baby to celebrate exactly a year after the worst days of our lives.

The labour & delivery to bring Annalise into this world was a beautiful experience, for what it was. The whole process was only 4 hours from start to finish, and all went perfectly, without a hitch.

I woke up at 4:48 in the morning to my water breaking, and then contractions started, so I called my midwife. She said to try and get some rest, because it would probably be a few hours before I was in enough pain that I needed to get to the hospital. Of course I was just too excited to go back to bed, and before long the contractions were coming quickly & strong! By 7am, we were at the hospital, calling Derek's mom to come quick if she wanted to be there for the birth! Annalise was born an hour and 45 minutes later, in the water. (By the way - water birth, strongly recommended!) We spent the next 2 nights in the hospital, and took her home on a sunny, but very cold, Sunday afternoon.

Now here we are, 3 months later, and I'm finally getting around to writing about all of this! Annalise is an amazing baby. As I write, she is cooing away in her playpen. We are so incredibly blessed. She already sleeps through the night, and has since before she was a month old, and for the most part throughout the day, she is very content. These days she has so many smiles to give - it is such a special moment when she flashes a smile, just for me. We're still waiting for her first laugh - I don't think it will be long now.



There are so many people that love her; what a lucky baby girl.
D.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Happy Birthday Sweet Angels...

I don't have anything deep & meaningful to write today, but I feel like it's important to acknowledge this day. I can't believe it's been a year since we said goodbye to our angels. Today has been harder than I expected it to be - I woke up with that sinking feeling that I felt a lot after we lost the twins.

It feels good, in a strange way to think back on this day a year ago, and to cry for our boys again.

I know that our babies are celebrating their birthday in the best way possible - that doesn't keep me from wishing they were celebrating with us though.

We miss you Michael & Gabriel... Thinking of you every single day.

D.

Hello 2011

I was so happy to say Good-Bye to 2010. The year held some blessings of course, but I'm sure I'll always look back on 2010 as the year that Jesus took Michael & Gabriel Home.

I'm looking forward to 2011 with a lot of hope - I am 2 months away from the birth of this baby, and now that the Christmas season & all of our celebrations are over, my mind is completely filled with what we need to do before the arrival of this baby. I always thought with 2 months left, I would feel like I had plenty of time, but I catch myself thinking, "what if this baby comes early??" I even had a dream not too long ago, that we had this baby, but no clothes to put him/her in! I guess that's probably normal in the late stages of pregnancy. Derek assures me we have plenty of time.

I have to believe that 2011 is the year that we will hold a healthy baby in our arms. But sometimes... those thoughts seem to creep in. What if it's not that easy? What if God has other plans for this baby? As I start collecting things for this baby, a tiny voice in the back of my head says, "I sure hope you don't have to pack all of this away, without a baby to use it for". The devil is pretty sneaky that way, making me think those thoughts are normal... making me worry about the well-being of this baby.

I've been sick with a cold for the last few days (courtesy of my husband!), and I think it may have made our baby sleepy, because yesterday and the day before, the baby wasn't moving quite as much as he/she had been. There were little movements, here and there, but I was actually starting to get concerned. Thankfully, last night as I dozed off to sleep, baby seemed to wake up & started kicking & rolling around even more than before! What a relief. If it's possible, I feel like I'm appreciating all of these movements even more.. it's like Baby is telling me - "No worries, Mama, I'm doing well in here!" :)

So, here's to 2011. Hoping that all of you are blessed in big ways this year.

D.

29 Weeks

Well, here I am.. officially in my third trimester!

I was hoping that once I started typing, some deep, interesting thoughts would come into my mind. To be honest, that's why I haven't written in quite some time. Life is moving so quickly, yet I feel like nothing is new!

I'll just write about the things that ARE going on in our lives, and we'll see what happens.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant, and feeling great. Boy, have I been blessed with an amazing pregnancy. There is of course some discomfort with being pregnant ... sore hips at night, lots of Sciatic nerve pain, some heartburn/indigestion, and fatigue is starting to kick in again... but even the pain of those discomforts is reassuring to me - it's good pain - it just means my body is getting ready to deliver this baby! I'm doing my very best not to complain.. you'd have to ask Derek how well I'm doing at that. ;)
I've only really had one occurence of a cramp that made me wonder.. it was just while I was sitting in the car on our way home one night - but as soon as I stood up, it went away.. thank You Lord! It's funny, when I feel a weird cramp, or something unusual, I of course automatically think, "oh oh, what's that... would I recognize the feeling of labour this time?" I don't tend to panic right away, I just wait to see if it's consistent, and if it goes away. It's never consistent, and it always goes away and for that I am very grateful!

I've been reading a book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - I highly recommend it to anyone expecting a baby. It talks about what we as women are capable of, and about Childbirth being a natural, beautiful event. Having gone through a labour already, and reading this book, makes me actually kind of excited for my labour & delivery. I feel prepared, and I feel capable!

Derek & I are pretty much settled into our house. I think we will always have a list of projects we'd like to eventually do around the house, but that's homeownership right! We're all decorated for Christmas (though the few decorations we already have from our last place hardly fill this place!), and it's feeling like our home more and more everyday. Some days we feel overwhelmed by this huge financial responsibility, and we can't help but worry what our first Utilities bill is going to look like, but we feel like we're just being forced to pray, and rely on God. Coming into this house, we asked God for some clear-cut signs that this was the one - and He gave us a clear-cut answer! Some days we have to tell ourselves that more often than others, but I know we're going to look back on these first years as Homeowners, and think - boy, that was tough, but it sure made us trust in God.

I can't believe that Christmas is only a week away! It feels so strange this year, and feels like it's come up so quickly. I've bought one single gift so far - and I'm planning to do a bit of shopping this weekend. Mind you, we are going to have a sparse Christmas at our place this year.. we haven't exactly had extra money laying around since buying this house!
I'm of course looking forward to Christmas traditions with Derek's family, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas! I guess that happens as you get older right?

Well, I managed to fill a blog. Not too incredibly deep, but at least it's an update on the Janzen family happenings! Merry Christmas!

D.

If this doesn't get you thinking...

This was sent to me by email, and I had to share.

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees... I don't feel threatened... I don't feel discriminated against... That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu.. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we sent to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government, and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?

In light of recent events.. Terrorists attacks, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. and we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "We reap what we sow."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through email and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

24 Weeks, 4 Days

It's a thrill that everything that I'm experiencing now with this pregnancy is a new experience! I am officially past the scary 23-week mark, and it feels great.

Life has been a whirlwind for the last couple of weeks - that also feels great. It's been a really nice distraction getting all moved & settled into this new place; I think that was divine timing, to keep my mind off of what might happen at 22-23 weeks into the pregnancy.

Our baby is almost constantly assuring me that all is well in there - he/she is moving so much, and I can't get enough!

There isn't too much new otherwise. Winter is on its way - we got our first snow today, and gave our furnace a good test! I stayed warm & cozy all day in our house. We'll see what happens as the weather gets colder & colder!

D.

21 Weeks, 6 Days

Wow, so I completely failed at doing 30 posts in 30 days. Life has been busy - to say the least. So here's an update - maybe I'll get to the rest of those 30 posts eventually.

Here I am at 21 Weeks and 6 Days - 22 Weeks tomorrow! Healthwise, all is well. I saw the midwife yesterday, where we went over the ultrasound results, and everything looks great. She says Baby and I are growing beautifully & everything is where it should be, in terms of "cervical length" (too much information? I apologize). In fact, it's well above normal at this point... phew! My midwives have been incredible, and are so willing to do whatever they can to help keep my mind at ease as we get closer to that 23 week mark, which is the point where we lost the twins. Not too long now, and we'll be past that scary week - I think getting past that will be a huge milestone, and I'm hoping it helps ease my mind a lot.

The fears come and go - I have to say, I'm not at stressed as I expected I would be at this point in the pregnancy.. I guess I just have to trust that it's going to work out this time, or at least, convince myself that I can trust in that.

This baby has been moving like crazy! I've noticed so much movement especially in the last week or so. It's so exciting to feel that again, I just love it! I feel like I can just rest in knowing our baby is doing well in there - and just enjoy every moment that I feel kicking & wiggling. I'm doing my very best to just simply enjoy it, and not compare to last time around.

Here's another exciting tidbit about our lives! We have officially bought a house! I haven't been too quick to "advertise", because we've been disappointed a few too many times, when we thought we were buying a house. But we're 4 days away from the possession date, the papers have been signed - I don't think anything can stop us now! The house is 107 years old, and has been renovated & kept up very well - everything major (well, except for the old windows) has been addressed - new furnace, foundation has been inspected & is in good shape, roofing is new. We are SO excited to have found this place, and cannot wait to get in there!

Needless to say, our minds & lives have been occupied - moving is a lot of work! But boy, we feel blessed. There have been so many indications that God is just working this one out. He is amazing.

D.

Day Four & Day Five combined!

Oopsie... so I'm not keeping up. I'm home at my parents' place for Thanksgiving until Thursday, so this may happen again before then!



Day Four *Favourite book - has it changed since our loss?*

My current favourite book... I really don't read much, and I certainly don't have a book that I read over & over. Currently I am hooked on my "Your Pregnancy, Week by Week" book! It's interesting, I would answer this question a bit differently than you would think. The actual book hasn't changed since our loss, but the way that I read this particular book has sure changed since our loss. Every time the book tells me how big our baby is, and what is developing in our baby, I can't help but think, "we've been here before" ... and compare the size of this baby to the size that the twins were when they were born. It's a bittersweet experience following the growth of this baby, and I don't think it will be truly sweet until we get past the 1 pound stage.



Day Five *Favourite quote*



My favourite quote is pretty timeless - I would have listed this as one of my favourite quotes before our loss, and it's definitely still up there. I'm sure it always will be.



Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

D.

Day Three

*tv show that helped me get through the loss, or that moves me*

For a very long time after we lost the twins, I could not watch this show, but have recently started watching it again. A Baby Story. I can hardly get through an episode without crying & imagining the joy I will feel when I'm handed my slimy crying baby! I can't wait.

D.

Day Two

*a movie that jumps out at me after our loss*

The only movie that reminds me of our loss, or jumps out at me after our loss, is Cool Runnings. Very random, I know. The reason, is because my family was here after we lost the twins, which was also around the time of the Winter Olympics. We got talking about the Olympics when they were in Calgary, and then got talking about the fact that a lot of the movie Cool Runnings was taped here in Calgary. The night before my family left to go back home, we all watched Cool Runnings together. I remember feeling a bit guilty enjoying myself, and laughing at the movie, but it was a good break from all of the sadness.

D.

Thirty posts in thirty days: Day One

Day One: A song that reminds you of your child(ren), or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

It's difficult to name just one song that reminds me of Michael & Gabriel in the strongest way, but the first song that pops into my head when asked this question is, "When it's all been said and done" By Robin Mark. We played this song at the end of the funeral, and it really puts life, and Faith into perspective. I haven't listened to it in quite some time, but when I listened to it today, it gave me an overwhelming sense of God, and what's important.

"... I will always sing your praise, here on earth & ever after..."

D.

Thirty posts in thirty days: Day One

October is Pregnancy Loss & Awareness Month, so some other Baby-Loss moms have been posting this list; just another way to remember our babies. I think it was supposed to have started at the beginning of October, but I just came across it today, so I'll start now.

Here's the list, so you can keep up:
Still Life with Circles: Thirty Posts in Thirty Days

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you
Day 4 - your favourite book. Has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favourite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future