Thirty posts in thirty days: Day One

October is Pregnancy Loss & Awareness Month, so some other Baby-Loss moms have been posting this list; just another way to remember our babies. I think it was supposed to have started at the beginning of October, but I just came across it today, so I'll start now.

Here's the list, so you can keep up:
Still Life with Circles: Thirty Posts in Thirty Days

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you
Day 4 - your favourite book. Has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favourite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

15 Weeks, 4 Days

I cried for my babies today. For the first time in quite a while. I cried because I miss them desperately; I cried because no pregnancy will ever be the same since they were in our lives.

I thought I was going to get through this pregnancy pretty easily, because I thought my trust in God was enough to make me believe that He wouldn't possibly take another baby from us. Derek and I read a certain devotional a couple of weeks ago, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. The writer spoke of his wife suffering multiple miscarriages in a row, and how difficult it was to trust God after losing these babies. I can't remember his exact words, but he said something like, "Why do I bother asking God to keep these babies safe?" He spoke of one day, where he truly believed that God was telling him that this time everything would be fine - but they still lost that baby. I'm certain that this devotional ended on a positive note, but I don't remember what it was, and whatever it was, still didn't give me that much hope. Now I'm struggling with knowing how I should pray. Why bother asking God to keep this baby safe? I asked him to keep the twins safe - every day.

As I get closer to the time in my pregnancy where we lost the twins, and as I start to feel the familiar feelings of this baby moving inside of me, and my belly growing, I can't help but start to worry. I'm not necessarily overwhelmed by this worry, but I just can't seem to bring myself to really trust that we'll take this baby home in March. It's been bittersweet making the announcement at church & telling our friends and family - I keep saying "We're very excited" - and don't get me wrong - we are excited - but we're also worried. Everyone keeps saying things like, "I know that this pregnancy will work out, you'll take this baby home in March" - and they are probably right, we probably will; but I just don't know.

Some days I feel like it's incredibly unfair that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy - I love being pregnant, and both pregnancies have been easy, in the way of no morning sickness, etc. There's just always this little voice in the back of my head that says, "be careful what you enjoy... don't be too quick to prepare for this baby... are you sure you want to post those pregnancy pictures? You remember how hard it was to get rid of the pictures of the last pregnancy... don't let yourself get too connected to this baby, yet." Is that Satan putting thoughts in my head, or is that just me being rational, protecting myself from some of the most painful things I had to do after losing the twins?

I just keep thinking forward to the day that I get to hold a child of mine - when they hand me a wrinkly little baby, and I can take him/her home to keep forever. I can only imagine the joy. March cannot come soon enough.

D.

I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18:1

Word is Out

Now that the word is out, I feel like I can get back onto this blogging band-wagon. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant & feeling great - physically, and surprisingly, emotionally. I feel like I have no other choice than to trust that God is going to carry this pregnancy to full term for me.
We've already had an ultrasound at 10 weeks - to be sure of how many babies are in there. Derek and I both went to that ultrasound half-expecting to see two babies again, so we were both a bit disappointed to see that there is only one. That disappointment wore off pretty quickly though, because another twin pregnancy would have been stressful to say the least. It probably would have meant bedrest (bedrest over Christmas would not have been fun!). So, we both just said "Maybe next time".
I'm already growing pretty fast! It is so true that you grow much more quickly with a second pregnancy than with the first - and I think the fact that these pregnancies have been so close together makes it that much quicker. My body remembers what it feels like to be pregnant - it knows what to do!
I am absolutely thrilled to be carrying a baby. March cannot come soon enough - I just want to hold this baby in my arms! :)

D.

I'll do my best to post more regularly again, I was afraid if I blogged before the word was out, I wouldn't be able to contain myself!

Coincidence?

Well we just got back from 2 weeks vacation in a beautiful part of BC. Summer isn't summer without some beach/swimming time, and I feel like I got my fill!

It felt like I saw twins every time I turned around though, and I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell us something.. or what.

Here's a strange "coincidence" (It feels too coincidental to actually be a coincidence - tell me what you think).

The first day that we arrived, the kids (Cole, and his cousin Angelina) found a little friend on the campsite that backed onto ours. His name was Gabriel. Weird enough on its own right? The next day we learned that Gabriel is a twin; mind you, he had a twin sister, but still. Now both of those things, I just figured it was a strange coincidence, maybe God is showing us what our little boys would have looked like (he was pretty darn cute!). But get this. A few days later, we were chatting with little Gabriel, and he told us his birthday - June 17. Every time I found out each of these things, my heart sunk just a little. When I heard June 17, it sunk a lot. But it felt like God was really trying to tell us something. Again, too coincidental to be a coincidence, right?

Maybe the reason behind all of this, meeting little Gabriel, and then also seeing at least 2 other sets of twins at the campground during our stay, will someday become obvious. It just feels so strange to see twins all over the place. Maybe I'm just noticing them way more because of all of this, but maybe God is saying something. Who knows what.

D.

A Week Later

Phew... it has been one busy week. I've been meaning to write a little update.

So the day I was dreading has past - I'm sure glad. Actually though, June 17 itself wasn't nearly as painful as I expected. My wonderful pastors graciously told me to take the day off, so I was able to just do whatever I felt like doing that day. I was given a few acupuncture treatments as a gift, as well as a massage, so I did both of those things during the day - I was spoiled! It felt really nice to be able to just do a few things for myself & focus on relaxing. Derek and I also visited the cemetary later in the day - though it was rainy & chilly, so we didn't stay long; we just felt like we should definitely pay the twins a visit on that particular day.

Things have been pretty good. As I've said before, it's not like the pain doesn't hit me every so often still, but for the most part, Derek and I are able to see the things we have to be thankful for. The weather is great, we've got a vacation coming up the last 2 weeks of July (camping in BC with the family!), and church life is very very busy!

I think it's going to be a good summer.

D.

Not Too Bad

I feel like this "thinking positively" thing is starting to work. While there have still been moments where it hits me like a ton of bricks, for the most part, I'm going through every day turning my negative thoughts around into more positive thoughts. I'm talking with God a lot more these days, and asking him to give me patience, and bless me with good things - rather than telling Him how angry I am that I don't get to have my twins.

For the longest time, when people would ask me how I'm doing, my immediate response would be "Not too bad", because I couldn't bring myself to say "Good", but I'm working on changing that too. I'm allowed to feel "good" somedays, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that; I need to remind myself of that a lot.

This week is the week I've been dreading for months. Derek and I went away this past weekend, for some much needed time away; we had a wonderful, relaxing time together at Radium Hot Springs. The week has started off nicely, and I'm feeling OK so far. I keep seeing pregnant women though; that's something I could do without this week. I am certain that Thursday will be a very difficult day - and that is one day I might not think so positively... I'm just preparing myself for a sad, sad day.

D.

Turning over a new leaf

I'm trying to think more positively. I've been feeling so down lately, and I think I've just been digging myself deeper and deeper into a rut of sadness. So, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, and start thinking more about the things I have to feel grateful for, rather than dwelling on this sadness.

There are definitely still moments that the sadness feels like it overcomes me - and please don't get me wrong; this is not me saying I'm going to get over this, or even that I'm going to TRY to get over this. I just feel like it's time to really work on my conversation with God, and allow Him to speak to me about what I need to do now, rather than allowing myself to continue being angry with Him.

I had a really great conversation with a close friend today, and she reminded me that maybe the best thing to do right now, is to give myself a happy distraction. Maybe some sort of project (I've been wanting to make a new duvet cover for a while now...), or something to look forward to, rather than just dwelling so deeply on getting pregnant again. Because I'm being told from all angles that I need to just relax about conceiving (as impossible as that feels), and then it will happen.

She made another really great point - that maybe once June is over, this month that I have been dreading, it will feel a bit like a clean slate. Once I get past June 17, maybe this sadness will lift just slightly.

So here I am, trying to get into constant conversation with God.. and working on turning my thoughts into positive ones. We'll see how this goes.