A Week Later

Phew... it has been one busy week. I've been meaning to write a little update.

So the day I was dreading has past - I'm sure glad. Actually though, June 17 itself wasn't nearly as painful as I expected. My wonderful pastors graciously told me to take the day off, so I was able to just do whatever I felt like doing that day. I was given a few acupuncture treatments as a gift, as well as a massage, so I did both of those things during the day - I was spoiled! It felt really nice to be able to just do a few things for myself & focus on relaxing. Derek and I also visited the cemetary later in the day - though it was rainy & chilly, so we didn't stay long; we just felt like we should definitely pay the twins a visit on that particular day.

Things have been pretty good. As I've said before, it's not like the pain doesn't hit me every so often still, but for the most part, Derek and I are able to see the things we have to be thankful for. The weather is great, we've got a vacation coming up the last 2 weeks of July (camping in BC with the family!), and church life is very very busy!

I think it's going to be a good summer.

D.

Not Too Bad

I feel like this "thinking positively" thing is starting to work. While there have still been moments where it hits me like a ton of bricks, for the most part, I'm going through every day turning my negative thoughts around into more positive thoughts. I'm talking with God a lot more these days, and asking him to give me patience, and bless me with good things - rather than telling Him how angry I am that I don't get to have my twins.

For the longest time, when people would ask me how I'm doing, my immediate response would be "Not too bad", because I couldn't bring myself to say "Good", but I'm working on changing that too. I'm allowed to feel "good" somedays, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that; I need to remind myself of that a lot.

This week is the week I've been dreading for months. Derek and I went away this past weekend, for some much needed time away; we had a wonderful, relaxing time together at Radium Hot Springs. The week has started off nicely, and I'm feeling OK so far. I keep seeing pregnant women though; that's something I could do without this week. I am certain that Thursday will be a very difficult day - and that is one day I might not think so positively... I'm just preparing myself for a sad, sad day.

D.

Turning over a new leaf

I'm trying to think more positively. I've been feeling so down lately, and I think I've just been digging myself deeper and deeper into a rut of sadness. So, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, and start thinking more about the things I have to feel grateful for, rather than dwelling on this sadness.

There are definitely still moments that the sadness feels like it overcomes me - and please don't get me wrong; this is not me saying I'm going to get over this, or even that I'm going to TRY to get over this. I just feel like it's time to really work on my conversation with God, and allow Him to speak to me about what I need to do now, rather than allowing myself to continue being angry with Him.

I had a really great conversation with a close friend today, and she reminded me that maybe the best thing to do right now, is to give myself a happy distraction. Maybe some sort of project (I've been wanting to make a new duvet cover for a while now...), or something to look forward to, rather than just dwelling so deeply on getting pregnant again. Because I'm being told from all angles that I need to just relax about conceiving (as impossible as that feels), and then it will happen.

She made another really great point - that maybe once June is over, this month that I have been dreading, it will feel a bit like a clean slate. Once I get past June 17, maybe this sadness will lift just slightly.

So here I am, trying to get into constant conversation with God.. and working on turning my thoughts into positive ones. We'll see how this goes.