29 Weeks

Well, here I am.. officially in my third trimester!

I was hoping that once I started typing, some deep, interesting thoughts would come into my mind. To be honest, that's why I haven't written in quite some time. Life is moving so quickly, yet I feel like nothing is new!

I'll just write about the things that ARE going on in our lives, and we'll see what happens.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant, and feeling great. Boy, have I been blessed with an amazing pregnancy. There is of course some discomfort with being pregnant ... sore hips at night, lots of Sciatic nerve pain, some heartburn/indigestion, and fatigue is starting to kick in again... but even the pain of those discomforts is reassuring to me - it's good pain - it just means my body is getting ready to deliver this baby! I'm doing my very best not to complain.. you'd have to ask Derek how well I'm doing at that. ;)
I've only really had one occurence of a cramp that made me wonder.. it was just while I was sitting in the car on our way home one night - but as soon as I stood up, it went away.. thank You Lord! It's funny, when I feel a weird cramp, or something unusual, I of course automatically think, "oh oh, what's that... would I recognize the feeling of labour this time?" I don't tend to panic right away, I just wait to see if it's consistent, and if it goes away. It's never consistent, and it always goes away and for that I am very grateful!

I've been reading a book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - I highly recommend it to anyone expecting a baby. It talks about what we as women are capable of, and about Childbirth being a natural, beautiful event. Having gone through a labour already, and reading this book, makes me actually kind of excited for my labour & delivery. I feel prepared, and I feel capable!

Derek & I are pretty much settled into our house. I think we will always have a list of projects we'd like to eventually do around the house, but that's homeownership right! We're all decorated for Christmas (though the few decorations we already have from our last place hardly fill this place!), and it's feeling like our home more and more everyday. Some days we feel overwhelmed by this huge financial responsibility, and we can't help but worry what our first Utilities bill is going to look like, but we feel like we're just being forced to pray, and rely on God. Coming into this house, we asked God for some clear-cut signs that this was the one - and He gave us a clear-cut answer! Some days we have to tell ourselves that more often than others, but I know we're going to look back on these first years as Homeowners, and think - boy, that was tough, but it sure made us trust in God.

I can't believe that Christmas is only a week away! It feels so strange this year, and feels like it's come up so quickly. I've bought one single gift so far - and I'm planning to do a bit of shopping this weekend. Mind you, we are going to have a sparse Christmas at our place this year.. we haven't exactly had extra money laying around since buying this house!
I'm of course looking forward to Christmas traditions with Derek's family, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas! I guess that happens as you get older right?

Well, I managed to fill a blog. Not too incredibly deep, but at least it's an update on the Janzen family happenings! Merry Christmas!

D.

If this doesn't get you thinking...

This was sent to me by email, and I had to share.

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees... I don't feel threatened... I don't feel discriminated against... That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu.. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we sent to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding Hurricane Katrina).. Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government, and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?

In light of recent events.. Terrorists attacks, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. and we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "We reap what we sow."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through email and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

24 Weeks, 4 Days

It's a thrill that everything that I'm experiencing now with this pregnancy is a new experience! I am officially past the scary 23-week mark, and it feels great.

Life has been a whirlwind for the last couple of weeks - that also feels great. It's been a really nice distraction getting all moved & settled into this new place; I think that was divine timing, to keep my mind off of what might happen at 22-23 weeks into the pregnancy.

Our baby is almost constantly assuring me that all is well in there - he/she is moving so much, and I can't get enough!

There isn't too much new otherwise. Winter is on its way - we got our first snow today, and gave our furnace a good test! I stayed warm & cozy all day in our house. We'll see what happens as the weather gets colder & colder!

D.

21 Weeks, 6 Days

Wow, so I completely failed at doing 30 posts in 30 days. Life has been busy - to say the least. So here's an update - maybe I'll get to the rest of those 30 posts eventually.

Here I am at 21 Weeks and 6 Days - 22 Weeks tomorrow! Healthwise, all is well. I saw the midwife yesterday, where we went over the ultrasound results, and everything looks great. She says Baby and I are growing beautifully & everything is where it should be, in terms of "cervical length" (too much information? I apologize). In fact, it's well above normal at this point... phew! My midwives have been incredible, and are so willing to do whatever they can to help keep my mind at ease as we get closer to that 23 week mark, which is the point where we lost the twins. Not too long now, and we'll be past that scary week - I think getting past that will be a huge milestone, and I'm hoping it helps ease my mind a lot.

The fears come and go - I have to say, I'm not at stressed as I expected I would be at this point in the pregnancy.. I guess I just have to trust that it's going to work out this time, or at least, convince myself that I can trust in that.

This baby has been moving like crazy! I've noticed so much movement especially in the last week or so. It's so exciting to feel that again, I just love it! I feel like I can just rest in knowing our baby is doing well in there - and just enjoy every moment that I feel kicking & wiggling. I'm doing my very best to just simply enjoy it, and not compare to last time around.

Here's another exciting tidbit about our lives! We have officially bought a house! I haven't been too quick to "advertise", because we've been disappointed a few too many times, when we thought we were buying a house. But we're 4 days away from the possession date, the papers have been signed - I don't think anything can stop us now! The house is 107 years old, and has been renovated & kept up very well - everything major (well, except for the old windows) has been addressed - new furnace, foundation has been inspected & is in good shape, roofing is new. We are SO excited to have found this place, and cannot wait to get in there!

Needless to say, our minds & lives have been occupied - moving is a lot of work! But boy, we feel blessed. There have been so many indications that God is just working this one out. He is amazing.

D.

Day Four & Day Five combined!

Oopsie... so I'm not keeping up. I'm home at my parents' place for Thanksgiving until Thursday, so this may happen again before then!



Day Four *Favourite book - has it changed since our loss?*

My current favourite book... I really don't read much, and I certainly don't have a book that I read over & over. Currently I am hooked on my "Your Pregnancy, Week by Week" book! It's interesting, I would answer this question a bit differently than you would think. The actual book hasn't changed since our loss, but the way that I read this particular book has sure changed since our loss. Every time the book tells me how big our baby is, and what is developing in our baby, I can't help but think, "we've been here before" ... and compare the size of this baby to the size that the twins were when they were born. It's a bittersweet experience following the growth of this baby, and I don't think it will be truly sweet until we get past the 1 pound stage.



Day Five *Favourite quote*



My favourite quote is pretty timeless - I would have listed this as one of my favourite quotes before our loss, and it's definitely still up there. I'm sure it always will be.



Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

D.

Day Three

*tv show that helped me get through the loss, or that moves me*

For a very long time after we lost the twins, I could not watch this show, but have recently started watching it again. A Baby Story. I can hardly get through an episode without crying & imagining the joy I will feel when I'm handed my slimy crying baby! I can't wait.

D.

Day Two

*a movie that jumps out at me after our loss*

The only movie that reminds me of our loss, or jumps out at me after our loss, is Cool Runnings. Very random, I know. The reason, is because my family was here after we lost the twins, which was also around the time of the Winter Olympics. We got talking about the Olympics when they were in Calgary, and then got talking about the fact that a lot of the movie Cool Runnings was taped here in Calgary. The night before my family left to go back home, we all watched Cool Runnings together. I remember feeling a bit guilty enjoying myself, and laughing at the movie, but it was a good break from all of the sadness.

D.

Thirty posts in thirty days: Day One

Day One: A song that reminds you of your child(ren), or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

It's difficult to name just one song that reminds me of Michael & Gabriel in the strongest way, but the first song that pops into my head when asked this question is, "When it's all been said and done" By Robin Mark. We played this song at the end of the funeral, and it really puts life, and Faith into perspective. I haven't listened to it in quite some time, but when I listened to it today, it gave me an overwhelming sense of God, and what's important.

"... I will always sing your praise, here on earth & ever after..."

D.

Thirty posts in thirty days: Day One

October is Pregnancy Loss & Awareness Month, so some other Baby-Loss moms have been posting this list; just another way to remember our babies. I think it was supposed to have started at the beginning of October, but I just came across it today, so I'll start now.

Here's the list, so you can keep up:
Still Life with Circles: Thirty Posts in Thirty Days

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you
Day 4 - your favourite book. Has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favourite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

15 Weeks, 4 Days

I cried for my babies today. For the first time in quite a while. I cried because I miss them desperately; I cried because no pregnancy will ever be the same since they were in our lives.

I thought I was going to get through this pregnancy pretty easily, because I thought my trust in God was enough to make me believe that He wouldn't possibly take another baby from us. Derek and I read a certain devotional a couple of weeks ago, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. The writer spoke of his wife suffering multiple miscarriages in a row, and how difficult it was to trust God after losing these babies. I can't remember his exact words, but he said something like, "Why do I bother asking God to keep these babies safe?" He spoke of one day, where he truly believed that God was telling him that this time everything would be fine - but they still lost that baby. I'm certain that this devotional ended on a positive note, but I don't remember what it was, and whatever it was, still didn't give me that much hope. Now I'm struggling with knowing how I should pray. Why bother asking God to keep this baby safe? I asked him to keep the twins safe - every day.

As I get closer to the time in my pregnancy where we lost the twins, and as I start to feel the familiar feelings of this baby moving inside of me, and my belly growing, I can't help but start to worry. I'm not necessarily overwhelmed by this worry, but I just can't seem to bring myself to really trust that we'll take this baby home in March. It's been bittersweet making the announcement at church & telling our friends and family - I keep saying "We're very excited" - and don't get me wrong - we are excited - but we're also worried. Everyone keeps saying things like, "I know that this pregnancy will work out, you'll take this baby home in March" - and they are probably right, we probably will; but I just don't know.

Some days I feel like it's incredibly unfair that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy - I love being pregnant, and both pregnancies have been easy, in the way of no morning sickness, etc. There's just always this little voice in the back of my head that says, "be careful what you enjoy... don't be too quick to prepare for this baby... are you sure you want to post those pregnancy pictures? You remember how hard it was to get rid of the pictures of the last pregnancy... don't let yourself get too connected to this baby, yet." Is that Satan putting thoughts in my head, or is that just me being rational, protecting myself from some of the most painful things I had to do after losing the twins?

I just keep thinking forward to the day that I get to hold a child of mine - when they hand me a wrinkly little baby, and I can take him/her home to keep forever. I can only imagine the joy. March cannot come soon enough.

D.

I love you, O Lord, my strength. Psalm 18:1

Word is Out

Now that the word is out, I feel like I can get back onto this blogging band-wagon. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant & feeling great - physically, and surprisingly, emotionally. I feel like I have no other choice than to trust that God is going to carry this pregnancy to full term for me.
We've already had an ultrasound at 10 weeks - to be sure of how many babies are in there. Derek and I both went to that ultrasound half-expecting to see two babies again, so we were both a bit disappointed to see that there is only one. That disappointment wore off pretty quickly though, because another twin pregnancy would have been stressful to say the least. It probably would have meant bedrest (bedrest over Christmas would not have been fun!). So, we both just said "Maybe next time".
I'm already growing pretty fast! It is so true that you grow much more quickly with a second pregnancy than with the first - and I think the fact that these pregnancies have been so close together makes it that much quicker. My body remembers what it feels like to be pregnant - it knows what to do!
I am absolutely thrilled to be carrying a baby. March cannot come soon enough - I just want to hold this baby in my arms! :)

D.

I'll do my best to post more regularly again, I was afraid if I blogged before the word was out, I wouldn't be able to contain myself!

Coincidence?

Well we just got back from 2 weeks vacation in a beautiful part of BC. Summer isn't summer without some beach/swimming time, and I feel like I got my fill!

It felt like I saw twins every time I turned around though, and I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell us something.. or what.

Here's a strange "coincidence" (It feels too coincidental to actually be a coincidence - tell me what you think).

The first day that we arrived, the kids (Cole, and his cousin Angelina) found a little friend on the campsite that backed onto ours. His name was Gabriel. Weird enough on its own right? The next day we learned that Gabriel is a twin; mind you, he had a twin sister, but still. Now both of those things, I just figured it was a strange coincidence, maybe God is showing us what our little boys would have looked like (he was pretty darn cute!). But get this. A few days later, we were chatting with little Gabriel, and he told us his birthday - June 17. Every time I found out each of these things, my heart sunk just a little. When I heard June 17, it sunk a lot. But it felt like God was really trying to tell us something. Again, too coincidental to be a coincidence, right?

Maybe the reason behind all of this, meeting little Gabriel, and then also seeing at least 2 other sets of twins at the campground during our stay, will someday become obvious. It just feels so strange to see twins all over the place. Maybe I'm just noticing them way more because of all of this, but maybe God is saying something. Who knows what.

D.

A Week Later

Phew... it has been one busy week. I've been meaning to write a little update.

So the day I was dreading has past - I'm sure glad. Actually though, June 17 itself wasn't nearly as painful as I expected. My wonderful pastors graciously told me to take the day off, so I was able to just do whatever I felt like doing that day. I was given a few acupuncture treatments as a gift, as well as a massage, so I did both of those things during the day - I was spoiled! It felt really nice to be able to just do a few things for myself & focus on relaxing. Derek and I also visited the cemetary later in the day - though it was rainy & chilly, so we didn't stay long; we just felt like we should definitely pay the twins a visit on that particular day.

Things have been pretty good. As I've said before, it's not like the pain doesn't hit me every so often still, but for the most part, Derek and I are able to see the things we have to be thankful for. The weather is great, we've got a vacation coming up the last 2 weeks of July (camping in BC with the family!), and church life is very very busy!

I think it's going to be a good summer.

D.

Not Too Bad

I feel like this "thinking positively" thing is starting to work. While there have still been moments where it hits me like a ton of bricks, for the most part, I'm going through every day turning my negative thoughts around into more positive thoughts. I'm talking with God a lot more these days, and asking him to give me patience, and bless me with good things - rather than telling Him how angry I am that I don't get to have my twins.

For the longest time, when people would ask me how I'm doing, my immediate response would be "Not too bad", because I couldn't bring myself to say "Good", but I'm working on changing that too. I'm allowed to feel "good" somedays, and I shouldn't feel guilty about that; I need to remind myself of that a lot.

This week is the week I've been dreading for months. Derek and I went away this past weekend, for some much needed time away; we had a wonderful, relaxing time together at Radium Hot Springs. The week has started off nicely, and I'm feeling OK so far. I keep seeing pregnant women though; that's something I could do without this week. I am certain that Thursday will be a very difficult day - and that is one day I might not think so positively... I'm just preparing myself for a sad, sad day.

D.

Turning over a new leaf

I'm trying to think more positively. I've been feeling so down lately, and I think I've just been digging myself deeper and deeper into a rut of sadness. So, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, and start thinking more about the things I have to feel grateful for, rather than dwelling on this sadness.

There are definitely still moments that the sadness feels like it overcomes me - and please don't get me wrong; this is not me saying I'm going to get over this, or even that I'm going to TRY to get over this. I just feel like it's time to really work on my conversation with God, and allow Him to speak to me about what I need to do now, rather than allowing myself to continue being angry with Him.

I had a really great conversation with a close friend today, and she reminded me that maybe the best thing to do right now, is to give myself a happy distraction. Maybe some sort of project (I've been wanting to make a new duvet cover for a while now...), or something to look forward to, rather than just dwelling so deeply on getting pregnant again. Because I'm being told from all angles that I need to just relax about conceiving (as impossible as that feels), and then it will happen.

She made another really great point - that maybe once June is over, this month that I have been dreading, it will feel a bit like a clean slate. Once I get past June 17, maybe this sadness will lift just slightly.

So here I am, trying to get into constant conversation with God.. and working on turning my thoughts into positive ones. We'll see how this goes.

It's coming...

June is coming. I wish I could just skip right over into July. I should be hugely pregnant right now, and having an ultrasound once a week to check on my beautiful babies.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, but I don't want to plan anything for June 17 - I hardly want to plan anything for the entire week surrounding June 17. Naturally, we are making plans for June - and every time I turn the calendar over to June, I see June 17 glaring me in the eye, with the huge words DUE DATE! bouncing out of the box. Who would have ever guessed that day, which was supposed to be such a happy milestone, would tear me up. I spent nearly 6 months looking forward to that day, and now I would rather skip over it. And I can't bring myself to scratch those heartbreaking words out; I don't think it would help either.

I catch myself wondering if people around me realize that this day is coming up. I imagine people assume that February 17 is the only date that really matters, as that was the day we lost the twins.. I wonder if they remember that June 17 was my due date. I know that I can't be upset with people if they don't remember that, and I do know that the people who are closest to me will remember.

4 months ago, if you would have asked me where I would be today, my answer would have been alot different than what has become reality. Derek and I were supposed to have moved into our new house (after extensive renovations) by now - a nursery would have been all set up, with TWO of everything. I would have still been guessing whether I was carrying boys, girls, or one of each. And I bet I would have been starting to get really nervous right now about motherhood.

I've been visiting a lot with a couple of friends who have fairly new-born babies, and my oh my is it busy. I imagine how frazzled I would have been with twins! Some people have actually said, well on the bright side, twins would have been pretty crazy... now you won't be so hectic. Let me assure you - there is nothing bright about this. I was thrilled to be blessed with twins. Yes, it would have been busy, and maybe I was being a bit naive about just how busy it would have been.. but I was excited. There is nothing relieving about the fact that now I probably won't have twins; in fact, healthwise, I am supposed to hope for a singleton pregnancy now.

I don't understand it. Some days I still question God - why would He bless us with twins (we had NO sense of fear about raising twins like a lot of people probably would), and make us feel like he was trusting us to raise twins, and then allow them to be taken away? I may be repeating myself here, but I just can't wrap my mind (or, my heart?) around all of this. I know God promises good things for us, but I catch myself doubting that He is going to anytime soon. I catch myself thinking, why would God allow me to become pregnant right away? or, why would God bless us with a house right now? I feel like the hardships are only going to continue.

I keep thinking of Job & how much hardship God allowed for him. He lost everything; from his possessions to his entire family. The loss of Michael & Gabriel for us is miniscule compared to what Job lost. And I know, Job hit rock bottom, and then God raised him up & blessed him a thousand times over; (I just opened my Bible to read a bit of Job... wow... I'll save my thoughts for another post).

I guess I'm just afraid of any more pain. I don't want to be a witness because of my pain anymore. I want good things now. I realize that's pretty childish - and it's not for me to decide, nor should I want to make these choices about my life - because we are called to trust in what God has in store. It's just so hard, when it feels like people are being blessed all around me, with the things I long for.

D.


"... Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10

The Big Stuff.

Today was painful - for no reason at all. There is just so much on my mind, and I feel like it's all negative - so be prepared for a rant...

My day started with a huge mess made by my cats - they knocked over the plant that my mother-in-law bought me for Mother's Day. Dirt everywhere. Normally I can just shrug these little accidents off, but today it just made me mad. Guess I woke up feeling sensitive already.

There are these days, where I continuously think of reasons why life is unfair. Don't get me wrong. I realize I am blessed in many ways - I just want the big stuff.

I want a house - but on days like today I really feel like that isn't going to happen. How are we ever going to save enough money for a down-payment? Let me tell you, housing is not cheap here. We can pretty easily afford the payments themselves, but to get there, we need a down-payment.. and that feels impossible. I know a house is definitely not what makes a person happy in the long run, but it would sure be nice. I keep telling myself that it will happen when God says it's right, but why isn't it right now? We are currently living in the basement of Derek's Mom and Dad - and we are ever grateful for that, because we have a great opportunity to save a lot of money (well, put a lot of money towards debts). For some reason though, we're starting to feel anxious to have a place of our own. So what do we do? Rent? And pay an outstanding amount to do so? The sensible answer seems to be to just stick it out here, but what if 6 months go by and we still can't be approved for a mortgage?

I want children. I want my pregnancy back. I had a wonderful pregnancy, and I was so relaxed the entire time - I had no fear that anything was going to go wrong. My next pregnancy is sure to be more stressful & worrisome. I know that I should just turn it over to God & trust that my next pregnancy will result in a baby that we actually get to take home; I'm afraid it's not going to be quite that easy though; I will have to make a point every single day (every hour of every day) not to worry; just to pray.

I want some tangible hope. I know that God has good things in store. I just wish he would give us a glimpse of what is to come. Something great, to take my mind off of this grief. I also know that God doesn't owe us anything! He has given us more than we deserve... it's just hard to allow that to be enough. God wants happiness for us here on Earth right?

I am struggling these days to relax a bit about getting pregnant again. It's been said that the best way to conceive, is just to relax about it. But I'm not sure how that is possible. Since losing Michael & Gabriel, my desire to become a Mother again has become desperate. Like I said, I want children. I see pregnant women all over the place, and I get a small sinking feeling in my gut. I wonder if they appreciate that child growing inside of them? I wonder if it was planned? It's moved beyond jealousy, for which I am grateful, and has become a simple reminder of what I so desperately long for. I wonder if someday, I'll look back at these months in between the twins and my next pregnancy, and they'll seem short. They feel like an eternity so far.

D.

"For I know the plans I have for you ... to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Holding on to those words with everything I have left.

A Visit to the Cemetery

We've been having some pretty fantastic weather again, so one afternoon this last week I decided to make a trip to the cemetery to visit Michael & Gabriel's gravesite & bring them some flowers.

A thought occurred to me when I was on my way there. I thought it was a nice afternoon to go visit the gravesite. But really, is there such a thing as a nice time to visit the place where my sweet babies are buried? Negative of me, I know; and to be honest, I had a really good "visit" with them while I was there. I brought a blanket, so I could sit for a while, and my journal so I could write to them. And looking back, it was cleansing in a way, to go there on my own, and just take some time to really think about them - and only them. Sometimes it's difficult to go there with someone else (even Derek), because I just don't know what to do, or say. This way, I could just sit in silence & cry if I needed to; it was good to let my emotions do what they needed to do.

Here's a photo of their gravesite, where I spent half an hour or so, just remembering them, and writing to them:

Derek and I made the cross, for something temporary, until we can get a headstone made for them. Here's another photo of their tiny grave:

For some reason, I was surprised to see that grass is starting to grow over the dirt on their grave - a part of me doesn't want that to happen quite yet. It's almost like, once that dirt is gone, it isn't fresh anymore. But it still feels fresh to me some days.

Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you.

D.

Our New Addition

Some friends of ours were getting rid of their cat ... and you know me ...

Meet Tubby!

How to help your grieving friend

Here I am, perusing blogs again. Maybe I'm cheating here, but I just feel so inspired when I read other grieving mothers' blogs. Here's a woman that makes some fantastic points about grieving mothers - and the things that we so appreciate. I especially like the "she can't grieve on command" post.

Check her out:
http://mollypiper.com/

(How to help your grieving friend is in the column along the right)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone. And it was every bit as hard as I thought it would be. (I guess the fact that I was anticipating it made it a little easier?)

Thankfully, I got lots and lots of Mother's Day hugs & wishes from so many people at church - I was relieved that people acknowledged that it was a difficult day for me - and most of all, that they acknowledged that I am in fact, a mother.

My wonderful midwife Kathleen was one of the ladies that spoke on Sunday - three mothers were asked to speak a bit about being a mom - the moment she stepped up there, we met eyes, and that was it for me. It was like she kept glancing at me as if to say 'I hope this is OK'. She did mention me in her "Things I've learned", and I was actually really grateful for that.

Anyways, we went about our day, but I just felt foggy all day. I wasn't happy, and I didn't want to be. It's so strange how I can approach a day feeling just fine (all the while, knowing that certain day is probably going to be pretty tough), and then that day comes, and my emotions just change completely & I'm a huge mess. Luckily I have a lot of people around me who understand & allow me to let those emotions out.

D.

Spirit Led

In Sunday School this past weekend, our Pastor said something that will stick with me forever. We are participating in the Youth Sunday School class - usually Derek teaches, but the Pastor is taking over for a few weeks.

We were talking about relationships - primarily, our relationships with God; but somehow, the conversation turned to our relationships with others - in particular, our relationships with the opposite sex. That got me remembering what it was like to be a teen, and how focused I was on finding a "boyfriend". I remember spending many many nights with girlfriends talking about marriage, and how very excited we were for that day! Suddenly 10 years has gone by (well, since I was 15 and starting to talk alot about this stuff), and I'm happily married, and have been through one of the hardest things I hope I'll ever have to go through. What a whirlwind!

Anyhow, on top of talking about relationships, we were talking about the Spirit - and what the Spirit means to us. The pastor turns to Derek and I, and says "In my humble opinion, Derek and Darcie's relationship was Spirit led."
Wow. My heart welled.

I mean, I've always believed that God did bring Derek and I together. In fact, when we first "met" (or, were chatting on the net!!), I remember saying on several occasions - The only way this is ever going to happen, is if God makes it happen. We were three thousand kilometers apart!

One of the amazing things about all of this is - God knew what we were going to go through together. He put us together to battle this storm together - and He knew that we would make it through - and become stronger because of it!

Now, please don't get me wrong here - I am certainly not claiming that our relationship is a breeze. I am just recognizing that our relationship is what it is because God allowed it to exist! It's a freeing thought that we are so not in control.

D.

Am I Enough?

I was spending a bit of time reading blogs this morning (as I often do), and I came across one of a woman who lost twin girls at 24 weeks gestation. This woman seems to have great Faith, and I found it so inspiring to read a bit of her grief journey this morning.

One of her posts mentioned a question that rang through her head through much of her difficult journey, a question from God:

If I say NO forever, am I enough for you?

That is a scary question. One of my greatest fears, is that the next time around, when I do eventually become pregnant again, God is going to say NO again. And would He be enough? This grief is the most difficult grief I can imagine - I can NOT imagine going through this for a second time. The naive side of me thinks, "He would never take another child from me - He knows I couldn't handle that" - but that's what I would have said about Michael & Gabriel too when I was pregnant with them.

This is when Faith & Trust come in. He only presents us with what He will take us through, right?

I'm realizing today that I haven't spent much time in prayer. I haven't spent much time praying for anything other than myself, my husband, and my babies. I'm finding it difficult to consider anything else as much in need of prayer as us; and I feel guilty for that quite often.

Aside from simply praying for anyone or anything else, I think I need to get working on my relationship with God again. I need to realize that yes, He is mourning the loss of our sons too - and that He is with us in this grief, and wants to be a comfort to us in this grief. I suppose I realize all of this, but I don't understand it. Because why would God take our sons from us when He knows how badly it hurts? He is the one in control of all things, so why didn't he let us keep our sons? I know, that's a question that will always be with me, and I may never have an answer to that.

This is when Faith & Trust come in.

(I apologize, this feels like it was a scatter-brained post)

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days today... One of those days where it takes nothing for me to break down crying. I went to a combined baby shower for 2 friends today after church. Of course I am so so happy for both of these little families and their baby girls, but I couldn't help thinking, I should have been looking forward to all of these people surrounding me & my twins.

I dreamed of my boys for the second time last night. The last dream I had of them was them when they were older (8 or 9ish), and all I remember is seeing them standing side by side on a hill. They were beautiful. Call me crazy, but I really believe that was God's way of showing me what they look like.

This dream wasn't so clear, and I don't remember much of it; but I think the fact that I dreamed of them explains the way I'm feeling today.

Loving you and missing you my sons. As I do every day...

Baby Weight

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've put on a "bit" of baby weight .. I'm sure it's a combination of having been pregnant, and then afterwards, emotional eating.

Anyhow, I was chatting with my sister yesterday, and we are going to be long-distance support for eachother, and both of us are going to really focus on our exercise and eating habits! I figure at the "in-between" stage, before I get pregnant again, I'll see what I can do about some of this baby weight, before I put more on! I found a really cool app for my iPod touch (birthday gift from my hubby!) where you set a goal for how much weight you want to lose, and it tells you how many calories you can eat in a day. So you log exactly what you eat, and exactly how much exercise you do every day in order to lose that certain amount of weight!

So here goes....

Lots of Thoughts

Ok, so I have lots of thoughts today... here are some more.

I recently found a Baby Loss Directory - a directory full of blogs from women who have lost children.. it's interesting to see how so many of their posts line up so exactly with things that I'm feeling/experiencing; also interesting that I would even want to read about it right? But it feels good to know there are people out there who are dealing with these crazy emotions too.

Here are some things that stand out from the blog I'm reading right now:

• She talks about running into an old Acquaintaince - and how terrifying that can be. Someone who would never have known about the fact that she has given birth to, and lost a child - and how desperately she wants to tell this acquaintance that she, too is a mother. "I feel gypped. Why didn't I get the opportunity to brag about my son? Why was I so chicken about claiming my title as "Mother"? I wish that I could talk openly about my son, my pregnancy, and his birth, in the way that women with living children do. What is stopping me?"
• She talks about noticing a new mother, and noticing that this particular new mother has lost all of her baby weight. "hey, when you actually have a baby to carry around, and breastfeed, the weight loss is pretty easy". I hate this. I tried on clothes yesterday (I guess that's my own fault), and realized that I am carrying around a "bit" of baby weight myself. That sucks!

Welcome to the Cruel World

Derek and I were watching a show last night - and not for the first time, there was a teenage girl who was pregnant with an unwanted child. And what was the "smart" thing to do? Abort it of course. I watched this show, with hope that eventually she would realize that a child is a gift and a living being; but of course, it didn't end the way I would choose. I realize it's just a show, but it is not far off from what is happening all around me.

I keep wondering why people like that get blessed with a child? Not to be arrogant, but I think Derek and I would have given our twins a wonderful wonderful life. Then I see these couples who have an "oopsie", and sacrifice nothing for the well-being of their unwanted child. I see single moms walking with their children, cigarette in hand - or worse yet - smoking in the CAR with their children inside. I know I'll never understand it, I have to choose to ignore it. I really just have to believe that this whole experience is going to make me a better Mom. I am going to treasure every single moment when I have children.

I was driving home yesterday and listening to Michael Buble (love him); here's something that hit me - though he's probably not talking about children ... his latest "hit" says, "I promise you Kid, I'll give more than I get, I just haven't met you yet." I can't wait to give my children a good good life. :)

In Memory of Our Boys - My Journey

Michael Janzen 10 1/2 inches, 430 grams

Gabriel Janzen 11 inches, 450 grams

Born and Died, Wednesday February 17, 2010

I can hardly believe it's been almost 2 months since Michael & Gabriel left us. Quite quickly after all of this happened, I wrote out my entire experience with the labour & delivery - I don't want to forget a thing. I had a woman from our church look it over, and condense it - here's the condensed version; I plan on sharing this with our church family in our monthly newsletter and thought I would share it with all of you as well.

The beginning of our difficult journey began with small signs. On Tuesday, February 16, 2010, Derek had stayed home from work, because he woke up with a terribly sore back. I woke up feeling more cramps than usual - but they were certainly bearable and not enough to cause much concern. We spent a very relaxed morning together, and Derek felt a kick for the very first time. “Twin B” (now known as Gabriel) was always quite active in the womb & I felt him moving often. We went about our day as usual, but that evening, the cramps began to get worse; to the point that I had to sit down for them to pass. This caused a bit more concern of course, so I called my midwife Kathleen. Kathleen told me that most often cramping was caused by dehydration, and I was to drink lots of water & relax for the evening.

When we went to bed, the cramps were present all night... I had a terribly restless night and at about 4am, I woke up, with the feeling that this was just not right. I woke Derek up & he called the Rockyview hospital, who directed us to go straight to the Foothills hospital, because of their advanced neonatal care. We left home just before 5am & drove the long (and snowy) drive to Foothills hospital, which took us about an hour.

When we got to the hospital, we checked in at the maternity ward & they put us into the “triage” where women begin their labour while waiting for a labour & delivery room. The triage nurse listened to both babies’ heartbeats and hooked me up to a monitor. The contractions were coming quite regularly, but from the way I was handling them, the nurses didn’t think there was a lot of reason for concern. I had a feeling by then that I was in fact going through pre-term labour; but I thought even so, they would be able to stop it.

After several hours of waiting, a doctor finally came to examine me. He said he would like to watch me for a couple of hours, and if not much changed, an option would be to suture my cervix to delay labour. The underlying concern was of course that I was only 23 weeks along - at 24 weeks, there could have been some chance of survival. When the nurse came to put in an IV, my water broke, which was devastating. We knew that meant there was no stopping the progression of labour, and the nurse moved us into a private labour & delivery room, basically just to wait. We had our own one-on-one nurse who stayed in the room with us a lot of the time - all of the nurses offered support and were very compassionate.

In the early afternoon, Derek’s mom came - she was wonderful - even just having her there felt really good. There’s just something about a Mom isn’t there? Derek was amazing. He was the one to call both his mom & my mom. He said the phone call to my mom was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Mom & Dad booked a flight pretty much right away - and would arrive the next morning at 9:30. Derek kept telling me how brave I was, and how strong I was. It was exactly the support I hoped for when I thought about going through labour.

At around 6pm, the doctor came in again, and she felt Michael already. So we went from quietly waiting, to a sudden rush - calling in the neonatal doctors & the delivering obstetrician. We also called Kathleen, because the plan was that she would come for the delivery. Before long, the doctors were telling me to push and Michael was born. Derek & his mom were so great & so supportive during the whole thing. It was heartbreaking when I got a first look at my son. He was so tiny. The nurses took him away pretty quickly, before we even had a chance to see that he was a boy. Before long though, he was wrapped up & in my arms. I couldn’t believe his perfect little body. Upon looking at him, you would never know that he wasn’t developed enough to live. What a perfect, tiny human he was. We were able to spend some time holding Michael. I just fell so in love with his tiny little features. I spent the time just admiring every little thing about him - his tiny tiny feet & hands, ears, nose, lips. Kathleen arrived pretty quickly after Michael was born - her support was absolutely amazing too. Once the contractions for Gabriel started, Kathleen knew exactly where to rub my back & exactly what to say to help me through each one. She was so incredible, I was so blessed to have her there; Derek & his Mom were such wonderful support; “Oma” held Michael through my whole labour & delivery for Gabriel. It didn’t take much longer before Gabriel was born too. Neither of the boys even took a breath - they were just simply too small.

The nurse took all of Gabriel’s measurements, and cleaned him up as needed. Soon I was holding both of my boys. The nurses even had little tiny outfits that we could dress both boys in for the time being - it was remarkable - they treated them so special, just like they were to us. We spent lots of time admiring our little boys - and once they were both here, Derek came up with their names. Michael & Gabriel: our tiny little angels. We both knew right away which baby would have which name; it was pretty astounding how we knew them already. The nurses had a camera there, so we were able to get lots of pictures - I’m so grateful for that - I can’t imagine not being able to see photos of them when they were first born. I know I’ll look back at those photos a lot.

After lots of cuddle time, I was so incredibly tired, my eyes were closing in the middle of conversation - so Derek & his mom went home. I was so tired; I knew I would sleep, so we figured it made sense for Derek to come home for some solid rest too. Derek set up a little table beside me with anything I might need (what a man) and went home.

My mom and dad arrived at the hospital at about 9:30 the next morning & we shared some tears, and held & admired Michael & Gabriel for a while too. I was so incredibly glad to have my mom & dad with me - what a blessing.

The few days following were a bit of a whirlwind. Originally we planned to just have a little memorial service for our babies, with just our families – but decided to open the invitation to the church family. We were so grateful to have a plot at the Trinity cemetery. We went to the funeral home that afternoon to make some small arrangements with them. A member of Trinity, Dave Pekrul works for the funeral home, and he was able to pick Michael & Gabriel up from the hospital; Dave told us that was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.

Friday morning my brother Paul & his wife Anita arrived, as well as my sister, Kelcy. I can hardly even describe how important it was for us to have my entire family there as well. When all of this began, I wasn’t even sure that my mom & dad would come; it just meant so much to me that they would all make the trip here to support me. It sure helped too. When the pain was at its worst, I had a bit of a distraction during the day. We could actually laugh a bit together.

Saturday was the day of the funeral – and it came quickly. It was so nice to wake up to a house full of people that love me. The funeral was so beautiful; also incredibly difficult & we shed a LOT of tears, but at the end of the day, we felt quite at peace. It was astonishing how many people from the congregation came to show support (I think I heard there were close to 100 people there!); even the youth made the trip back from Snow Camp at Camp Valaqua just to be there for us. We continue to be amazed at the support that the youth showed – they all wept with us. It was easily apparent how many people loved our sons already – the congregation was so involved in the joy of our pregnancy and now also were in our sadness. After the funeral, we made our way to the Trinity cemetery, where we had a little burial service. The burial was so intimate & so personal – Derek started filling in the grave himself, and eventually, both of the Grandfathers helped him finish up. It offered such closure to be able to watch while the entire grave was filled in – I was surprised how much my emotions changed from the first shovel-full to the last. We left the cemetery with a small sense of peace in our hearts.

We are so incredibly grateful for the support we continue to receive, from our families & from Trinity. As difficult as this loss is (and will be) for us, the prayers & support are what is getting us through.

A New Season

Well, spring is in the air... I thought I would get frustrated with the changing seasons - as strange as that must sound. I wanted winter to stick around, because it seemed to match the way I was feeling. But as spring is slowly showing its face, I'm starting to look forward to more and more of those warm, sunny days. Life is getting easier day by day - and Derek and I are able to share a bit of laughter almost every day. Obviously the "grieving process" is not over - probably not even nearly - but it sure comes in stages.

I've never really had to deal with grief like this - it's amazing how strong emotions can be, and what stages they come in. At the beginning, it felt so raw, and I couldn't imagine a day coming that held NO tears - now, the tears certainly still come, but not every day. I can tell that God is working on me every single day.. maybe some day I'll even feel complete again!

I recently ordered a devotional called "Grieving the Child I never Knew", and it finally arrived! It is so refreshing to read something written by someone who has experienced this - experienced these emotions - and can honestly say that she is stronger - as a person, and in her faith - because of it.

I've also been chatting every day with a very close friend who went through miscarriage about a year and a half ago.. She is amazing, and such a strong source of support for me. She'll ask me every day - "how are you today?" and I can answer honestly - and she understands!! Don't get me wrong, I sure appreciate all of the people who care, and who want to know how I'm doing; it's just so nice to be able to talk to someone who has been there - and has experienced these emotions.

Life is continuing on - and we are getting back into our normal routines, which seems to be a really good thing.

We are so grateful for all of you who are thinking of us, and praying for us. I can't thank you enough.

How things have changed...

I'm sure that most of you know by now that we recently lost our twin baby boys, Michael & Gabriel. On Wednesday February 17, I went into preterm labour and delivered our twins at only 23 weeks. They were just too tiny to survive this world yet, so they are in the arms of Jesus.

Derek and I are doing ok .. the tears come and go, (they seem to come more often than go) as can be expected. We miss our boys each and every day, and often think of what our world would be like if we were able to keep them here with us. We know in our minds that there is a reason for all of this - now it's just to get that through to our hearts.

We are so incredibly grateful for the support that we have around us. My entire family was able to come out for the weekend following Michael & Gabriel's death, and we had a very beautiful funeral service for them. We were amazed at how many people came to support us at the funeral - we are so loved by our families and by our church family; for that we sure are grateful.

On another note completely, the house that we recently put an offer in on fell through. We were disappointed of course, but in the grand scheme of things, a house seems miniscule - we are sure realizing what is important in life.

Life has changed completely for the Janzen family - and in a matter of weeks. It feels like an eternity ago that I felt my babies kicking around inside of me.

Derek and I keep saying - some day, we'll look back on this, and see more clearly that God has a real and perfect plan for our lives. I long for that day.

Giving this another try ...

Once upon a time I started a "Janzen Family" blog .. and didn't do so well at continuing to post on it.

I'm going to give it another try - now that we're starting a family, I'm sure I'll have more and more photos to show off, and I'll have lots of news to share about the growth of these twins!

We are so thrilled to be trusted with TWO babies - and are getting so excited for their arrival! I am 22 weeks along, and still feeling great. God has sure blessed me with an easy pregnancy so far - I had virtually no morning sickness at the beginning (maybe 2 weeks of waking up not feeling so hot, which passed by 9 or 10am), and am still feeling great! I thank God every day for making this such an enjoyable experience!

Another exciting event may be coming up in our lives ... we recently put an offer in on a house! We found a townhouse in High River that needs a LOT of work, but is priced very low! It was a foreclosure, so unfortunately the process is painfully slow - we won't find out if they've accepted our offer until February 22, with possible possession on March 15. If all goes as planned, we will have a busy couple of months ahead of us - tearing up flooring, tearing cabinets out, lots and lots of painting ... the list goes on!

We're looking forward to some major milestones in our life, and praying all goes smoothly in both transitions.